You Cannot Get Through The Shame And The Struggles Alone

I wasn't born into a Christian household but I did grow up in one. I went into foster care at the age of 6 and was adopted at the age of 8. By the age of 5 I saw so much suffering and beating. I wasn't the one being beat, but just seeing what my dad did to my mom put terror in my eyes. After I went into foster care, with my biological sister (Nevaeh) we started going to church every Sunday. Me and my sister never went to church before and I didn't even know God was until I met the people whom I now call parents. I started to grow up in a Christian family. My parents were church-goers who never missed a service and active attendees of the Baptist church we attend. When you grow up in such a kind of family, you hav a tendency to be religious, fooling yourself that your genuinely saved because you uttered the words to some prayer. It took me 7 years of fooling myself into believing I was a genuine Christian because of all church ministries I was involved in and how much concern I had for others, how many times I said "Amen" to the preaching, yet not having the full assurance of what would happen when I suddenly died. I was already even baptized and part of the formal membership roster. when I was about 8 and I got adopted, still going to church every Sunday and I remember going to this thing for kids called Awana's. It was THE BEST. You got to play games and everything else. But I remember sitting down during bible study one night at Awana's while we were going over John 3:16 and I was confused about why some dude would die for and I said some prayer and thought I got saved, and I started trying to I guess be the best person I could after that until I turned 13.

13. It is a pretty big number. The first TEEN Spotlight of one's life. This is when I got my first girlfriend.. while I had this girlfriend I was still going to church and everything, funny thing is she was going to the same church. This is also the age my mom actually got me a phone with data on it. This was the turning point in my whole life. I remember while dating this girl I clicked on an advertisement on my phone and it brought me to a porn site and I watched a video. After I saw that first video I was hooked on it. I would watch a video about every 2 weeks, even though I went to church I did not feel bad at all. About 3 or 4 months later I went through my first break up. This time of my life was devastating. I wanted to hurt myself, and I started to watch the videos even more to cope with the pain by getting satisfaction out of it. When I was about 14 & 1/2 I remember listening to my youth pastor talk about his struggles with pornography, and I started feeling conviction, but once again I kept thinking that I could deal with it alone and I pushed God to the side. I would go on mission trips and go to youth camps and not say a word about it. When I got in highschool and I was a freshman This girl gave me a vape and my parents would have killed me if they found out about it. But I did it anyway. After I got done with that vape I remember throwing it away as quick as I could and I went back into my room for about an hour and just cried because I felt so guilty about it, and this is when I remembered the verse, 1 Corinthians 10:13. "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability. But with temptation he will also provide a way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. After remembering this verse I became frustrated with God because I thought he wasn't keeping his promise and I remember crying myself to sleep that night and I strayed away from God even more. But the facts about temptation are, God doesn't tempt us. The devil is the temptation. My mindset was that God tempted me into it and didn't provide a way of escape. After that I never vaped. I only did that one time and I felt ashamed. I pushed it to the back of my head and thought that nobody needed to know..but God always knows.

In the summer of 2021 we went to MFuge which is a missionary youth camp for teen. I had almost 3 years of pain, guilt, and sorrow on my mind and I never asked for forgiveness. That one vape I used was the thing that scarred me the most, and my porn addiction was 2nd. That week at camp I went back to 1 Corinthians 10:13 and I realized that God wasn't the one who tempted me, it was the devil, and there was a way of escape, but I wasn't using God's way of escape. I was using earthly satisfactions to escape. I realized that week that I couldn't do it alone anymore, I needed to stop hiding all these things. I told my youth pastor about everything except the vape. God has been the only one who has known about that this last year and a half. I realized that week that I never truly knew who Jesus was. Even then the devil still had a tight grasp on me, and it wasn't until I was on my way home in our church bus when I told the devil to flee and my pastor prayed over me I asked for forgiveness and recommited my life to Christ, on Friday July 16th 2021.

I still struggle with some things, but when I'm struggling I know that the Holy Spirit will always be with me. Ever since I got saved that day Jesus has been on my mind everyday. Even though I struggle Jesus is right next to me leading me through it. I have come to understand the awesome privilege and new identity that comes from being called a Child Of God. I have the confidence to trust in His plans. Serving Him and not myself also gives me a real sense of fulfillment that transcends all earthly joys and is born from true faith in Him that goes beyond mere religion.

I went to youth camp about 2 weeks ago and learned more amazing things about him, and just last week I got to help with children's camp getting to teach younger kids about the person who saved my soul is truly a blessing. Thank you God from leading me into the light from where I was and letting me do the things you love to see me do.

God was always there for me. He pulled me out from a home that brought terror to my eyes, into a holy house, with the most amazing parents I could ever have. I'm the one that chose to step away from him for years. He gave me the choice to either be led of his road, or come back to him. And I came back. Everyone has that choice I know for sure I have eternal life through Jesus christ my lord. I am forgivin through him. I've seen a lot of things and been through a lot. But you have been my God through all of it. If you do not have Jesus christ in your life or your going through struggles, talk to people about it. I was so scared to talk to people about it because I felt embarrassed about it. But I don't need to embarrassed about it. Jesus died on the cross for my sins publicly so I should be able to share my testimony publicly and so should you. Almost nobody knows about all of the addiction and things I did and this is the first time I'm sharing it. Don't let your shame and guilt stand in the way of the person who loves you the most and created you. Before I got saved my youth pastor always said to examine yourself and he would quote a verse. 2 Crinthians 13:5. "Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you." After I started reading my Bible some I realized after I examined myself that I wasn't producing any good fruit and that scared me so much. Matthew 7:19 “Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire." Matthew 7:21. “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophecise in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ After reading this before I was saved it scared me so much, and it should scare you too even if you are saved. Examine yourselves to see if you truly are in the faith. I know for a fact that I am going to heaven but I can't say that for you. Only you can decide. Thank you for listening/reading my testimony.