Through faith as a mustard seed

I have lived a life filled with sin. Not a small amount of sin, but so far down the wrong path that I was living in darkness.

Going back far enough you’d see that I even read the satanic bible. Performed rituals. Even sold my soul to satan in a contract signed in my own blood during one ritual.

Fast forward to 2015. I began making changes to my life to focus on family. I walked away from a 6 figure income that required much travel and began working for just over minimum wage caring for people in their lowest moments. Life began hitting me very hard. Within one year I was diagnosed with MS after it aggressively progressed significantly. My 3 yr old daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I was audited by the IRS and owed $30k (despite having used a CPA for over a decade). After each one of these occurrences I would look up and laugh. My ego was huge. I taunted and dared for worse. I would yell to the sky “is this the best you’ve got “ “you can’t stop me” “I got this”. I thought there was nothing I couldn’t handle. Nothing I couldn’t do or conquer on my own. I was wrong. Over the next couple of years I graduated a nursing program while working and trying to handle all the other problems at the same time. I thought I was winning. I thought I was conquering the problems and moving forward as if nothing could stop me. To sum up quickly; my ms progressed to a point where I was put on disability the same time my daughter had to have brain surgery for her tumor, and the strain from all this plus the irs sent our finances into a spiral. My life began spiraling. My marriage began suffering. Life began getting very dark for me. I began a search for the truth. I listened to podcasts about Buddhists beliefs, new age healing, just searching for the “something more” I knew was out there. I searched through videos and blogs about every religion. Every belief system. I needed help. I needed to be saved. But I didn’t know where to turn. I meditated a lot. I prayed a lot. I had no idea who I was praying to, and even said as much in my prayers. I didn’t know by who, but I knew my prayers were being heard by someone.. something. I searched for a year. Meditated and prayed and searched for an entire year. But life kept putting me through the fire. Things were very bad for me. I was drowning. One night at the end of winter in early 2022 everything just became too much for me. I couldn’t see the point in continuing in the constant physical pain. My marriage was crumbling. I couldn’t provide. I couldn’t even be the father my children deserved. I came to the realization that I had become a burden, and that everyone would eventually be better without me. Wearing nothing but a T-shirt and basketball shorts, no socks or shoes or anything, I loaded my pistol and drove off without a word to anyone. I had a plan. I was going to my favorite lake. To my favorite cliff there. I have been going to this lake multiple times a year for over 20 years. I go there to camp, hike, kayak, cliff dive etc. I know this lake and surrounding area better than I know my own hand. I was going to go to the cliff and shoot myself so I would fall off in one last beautiful dive into the cold icy waters. As I was driving I was obviously very emotional. I was beyond broken and just so done. I began crying out loud in prayer. I prayed to God, in Jesus name. To a God that I had mocked for many years. In the name of a savior that I had mocked for many years. I said that I couldn’t do it anymore. That I didn’t see the point and it had become more than I could handle. I told God I was sorry for the way I had lived. I begged forgiveness, crying out loud. I told God that if I was not meant to come home to him that night that I knew he could reach his hands down and save me or show me, that I knew he could if he wanted, but also that I knew I didn’t deserve it. I cried to God to please forgive me, prepare for me to leave this world, or to please save me if that was what he wanted. I continued driving towards my death. Now for this next part I want to remind you that I’ve been driving up here multiple times a year for over 20 years. I know the roads. The trails. I know this area very well. I was heading up a country highway. There was a junction a few miles behind me where I had turned onto this road. between that junction and the next one there is one single road you can turn onto, or continue straight for miles and miles and miles to the next junction. The one road you can turn onto is the one that went to my cliff. There is a little old shop at the corner that sells hot sandwiches, cold drinks etc. I turned onto this road, ready to drive up the last little bit to the lake. But instead of seeing a mile or two of road in front of me, I saw thick forest. The road ran directly into the forest. the road just stopped. And there was thick forest, with a dead end sign sitting in the middle of the road leaning against the trees. I came to a stop and in my confusion I quit crying. I got out of my truck to try and get a better look, comprehend what was happening. I stood there and looked at the little shop (not open at this hour), Back to the thick forest that replaced the road. This was not a little growth that had been ignored for the winter. First off, the road is kept clear year round as it is the only access to the rich gated off community over the lake. Second; the lake is a popular winter fishing spot. Third; this was not a little growth. These were full grown trees. Thick forest. Very thick. I thought I must be going crazy or something. I got back in my truck and drove back down to the first junction, and then back up to the little road. The forest was still there. So I continued driving up the highway thinking I must be mistaken. I drove until I hit the next junction. Now I knew for a fact that the little road with the forest was the correct road, and the realization began sinking in that I may have just witnessed a true miracle. At this point I was no longer crying. No longer sad. Now I was…curious? Intrigued? Confused? I drove back down towards the little road. I saw the little shop, turned onto the road, but the forest was gone. The road was clear. I got out and looked around. Same road. Same little shop. No forest. No dead end sign. I continued driving up the little road to the lake. I parked at the back side of the lake. To the right was a little trail that went to the cliff I had come up for originally, and to the left was a little tiny bay like area where a creek ran into the lake. It was surrounded by beautiful forest (as that section always was/is). At this point I was confused yet hopeful. I got out of the truck to look around and think. Very suddenly a very thick fog rolled in and it began snowing. I couldn’t even see my own hands, the fog was so thick. I took a few steps and the ground beneath me…gave way? It just suddenly wasn’t there. I tumbled for a second. When I stood up the fog cleared and the snow stopped. I was standing at the edge of the water. The spirit came to me over the water. I was filled with a love and peace I had never in my life known. The spirit spoke to me for a time. After a time of speaking with me, the spirit told me that I was to walk into the water, kneel, pray, and then submerge myself. I said that I didn’t think a man could baptize himself. And the spirit responded and told me that I was not alone. That I was being cared for. That I was to walk myself into the water. Kneel myself down. Say a prayer myself. And submerge myself. But that the spirit itself was baptizing me. That if I did as I was told that I would be born into a new life. One for the Lord.

I did as I was told. I was filled with the spirit, with love and peace and joy like I cannot begin to explain. When I came up from the water I was told to return home to my family. To get and study the Bible (I had never read the Bible before). And to live a life of love to honor God.

Since that day I have been studying the scriptures, praying throughout the day, and trying my best to be worth saving. I cannot begin to explain the revelations I’ve had since beginning this journey to build a personal relationship with God and Jesus. I am not the same man that I was

Through prayer I was led to the understanding that I am indeed being compelled to share this experience with any who would listen. I have learned that it is never too late to cry out to God/Jesus. Never too late to beg forgiveness. Never too late to build that relationship. That God is truly a God of love. And that loving him is the most important thing we can do. I will live my life trying to honor and glorify God, as he deserves no less. This physical life is but the infancy of our eternal existence and the things we believe and how we live and where our priorities are in this physical infancy will decide the path of our eternal existence. I truly love you all and pray and hope that you build that relationship so that I can hug you and laugh with you and rejoice together in his kingdom one day. I know how hard this story is to take in. I spent a life time explaining away and laughing at other peoples’ experiences/stories. Please, read at least the New Testament. At least just start with one of the four gospels (Matthew Mark Luke our John). Pray to God for guidance. If you truly seek him, you will find him. He is waiting for you.