There's Always Hope

Before coming into a relationship with Jesus Christ I was filled with many emotions that accompany abandonment. Guilt, shame, worry, low self-esteem, insecurity, disappointment, fear, emptiness. You name it, I experienced it throughout my life all starting at a very young age.

I don't remember a time over the course of my life when abuse in one form or another wasn't present. I became a foster child at the tender age of three after my dad was sent to prison and my mom decided she no longer wanted to care for my sister, brother or me. I don't know that I felt loved like the other kids in the family but I remember having a neighbor friend to play with and of course I could count on the occasional abuse to greet me from time to time. I was also too young to realize that the cute little baby that lived in the same home that I was in was my half sister. The only difference was, they wanted to adopt her to complete their family that already consisted of four of their own children. Again I would be sent away with the reason "it just isn't working out."

Just before I would turn five I went to live with my second foster family and it would be there that I was told wonderful stories of how much someone called God loved me; enough to send His own Son Jesus to die so I could be forgiven for all of the things I would ever do wrong. And better still He would never leave me and eventually I would go live with Him, forever! I desperately wanted to be loved and accepted so of course I wanted Him to live in my heart. Little did I know in my innocence and desperation to be cared for and loved, that my life would never be the same.

Although my life was filled with anything but what most people would define or consider 'normal' or easy, the Lord proved His faithfulness to guide and protect me along life's journey. As I faced numerous challenges, abuse, addictions and sorrows, my heavenly 'Father' continued pouring out His forgiveness and unconditional love. He taught me how to love, forgive and accept others, He filled me with hope and faith to face my fears. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was significant to God and that He would give me all the strength and confidence I needed to press into life and come out victorious, 'no matter what!'

Over many years and usually during 'the midnight hours' when it was quiet and dark, I would replay my failures over and over again in my head. The hardest memories were the ones when I had to face the harsh reality that I continued the horrible cycle and generational curse of abandoning my own children. I was so ashamed to think that I was so selfish and capable of doing to my own children what caused me so much pain in my life. This would be a horrible reality that I wasn't sure I would ever forgive myself for or be forgiven of by my children. Was there such forgiveness? As always, life would go on and seasons changed. I would continue to hide behind the pain and pretend to know what I was doing in relationships. Through a course of events my husband and I decided to move to be close to my only daughter and her family; my oldest of 5 children. This felt like such a 'God provision and opportunity' as things moved along very quickly. I was so excited! We began going to church for the first time in years and I just knew that things would change! And change they did. Not even a month after we moved my son, my third oldest child, called with the news that he was diagnosed with melanoma cancer and if that wasn't terrifying enough to hear, he was in the 4th and final stage. How could this be? He wasn't sick? I just moved from the same state he lives in and now I'm not there to help care for him. Strangely enough I wasn't angry. I was just numb and dumbfounded! There are not enough empty pages here to begin to tell of my sons passion and love for Jesus but I will say that knowing he lived his life boldly for Christ would prove to be a gift of God's amazing grace to me. Five months after his diagnosis and countless faith-filled intercessions by prayer warriors believing for a miracle healing, I would look into my 26 year old sons eyes and say and hear the words "I love you" for the very last time. Even though the pain of losing a child is indescribable, not once in the wrenching sorrow did I believe that God failed to perform the miracle we were seeking; it just looked different than what we wanted. I knew and believed that my son was whole again and praising with the angels before the throne of God. I can only imagine the joy on his face when he realized where he was.

There are times when I have been brought to tears when I think about the Gift God freely gave to us, sending His One and only Son Jesus to die a very hard life and horribly painful death so that we could live eternally with Him. The death of my own son gave me an even deeper understanding of the price that He paid. Before I acknowledged and confessed that I was full of sin and accepted Jesus into my heart to be my Lord and Savior, there was no hope of any meaningful life here on earth or eternally. It was because of His death I was given life. And in the death of my own son, the Lord, in His mercy gave me the most powerful understanding possible of such a selfless sacrifice. I didn't know how to live after my son died and I became very destructive in many ways. I was emptier than empty and as I realized there was no longer anyone abusing me, I had nothing to extinguish the emotional pain so I began abusing myself by cutting and acting out. (What some call pain transferal) BUT GOD! What seemed like in an instant my eyes were opened and I could see in a way I had never seen before. He used my son's death to bring me life! It was always my son's hope that I would surrender my life 'fully' to Christ and share my testimony with others so they too would find hope and Salvation in the One and Only, Jesus! I can say without a smidgen of doubt that this is my truth: I am a child of the most high King! He is my Father Who never abandoned me! He truly turned all of my mourning into joyful dancing! I was bought with a price (Ephesians 1:7), declared free of blame and made right in His sight (Galatians 2:16), and I'm set apart to be holy as He is holy! Hallelujah! John 10:10 says that "the thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. But Jesus came that I may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows). I am just 'one' example of the transforming power of Christ having been complete changed from the inside out and ALL the glory, honor and praise goes to Jesus Himself! Believe that He can change you too! Tell Him that you need Him, He'll be there for you 'every step of the way.'