The wages of sin is death and Jesus paid it.

Before I understood grace and what it looks like to follow Jesus, I lived my life determined to carry my burdens alone. If I responded to those burdens sinfully, then that punishment was for me to bear as well. My willingness to be transparent with others, including God, was entirely dependent on my concept of whether or not I was deserving.

I struggled with depression and with cutting myself because that was my way of ensuring that I never had to hurt or burden anyone else with my struggles, including Jesus, who I thought only wanted me if I was doing things right or had it together.

Then, during worship at summer camp while I was in high school, I made the connection that God cared deeply for my hurts, that it hurt him when I hurt myself, and that there was a difference between being a believer in Jesus and a follower of Jesus. I wanted to follow him. I wanted everything I did to be honorable in his sight and I wanted to conduct myself as someone secure in the grace of the Gospel.

Since I've made that commitment to trust Jesus with my life, I have seen God's faithfulness as he provides hope to me in the midst of challenging circumstances.

While my struggles with mental health have persisted even since my commitment of my life to Jesus, where I anchor my hope, purpose, and recovery has shifted. I know that God loves me when I struggle and He loves me when I honor him. He has never abandoned me and He desires to carry my burdens for me.

I know with certainty that there is nothing I can do that can separate me from the love of God and though I will never perfectly honor him in all that I do to respond in gratitude to his love, his grace and mercy covers my shortcomings and he still invites me into a personal relationship with him and everlasting intimacy in eternity.