Searching for love and answers

I am grateful that I have received eternal life because knowing God has given me a sense of purpose and inner peace, knowing that I am loved.

This is my testimony of how Jesus delivered me and transformed my life. I came from a Christian background with Christian parents. I never truly understood the gospel. As a child, I attended church because my parents took me every Sunday, but I never truly grasped what Christianity was. As a child, it was part of my routine to go to a Christian primary school and I learnt about God and Jesus, but I never grasped or understood what was being taught to me. At the age of 5 years, I moved into a new house and then in 2007, at the age of 10 years old, I moved again into a new house. I remember for a few months, I would not leave my house because I did not want to leave my previous home and my friends behind. It was an unfamiliar area and I did not know anyone in the area. My younger brother made new friends easily on the street, but I was very shy around new people and it took me a while to befriend the neighbours. I remember being introduced to the children that lived on the street. There was a handsome boy that I was instantly attracted to. I remember looking into his eyes and feeling as if he was familiar. I felt like I knew him, even though we had just met. He introduced himself as Liam. I was surprised to find out that he was the same age as me, only a few months younger. I felt as if his eyes could see straight through my soul which scared me. I could not quite explain what I experienced but I felt he could see straight to the core of myself, merely by looking into my eyes, therefore I looked away because I felt exposed. We became friends and I would look forward to spending time with him because I found him funny and I enjoyed his company. He would make me laugh over any little thing and I began to develop romantic feelings towards him. I had never felt love before. Even though, I loved my family, I felt I was a difficult child because I struggled with my emotions and because I hadn’t fully accepted God into my heart and my life, I felt I was a very selfish child. I would get upset if I didn’t get what I wanted and I realised that I should be grateful for what I have because coming to know God, I realised that God blesses us with what we need. I started at secondary school in 2008 and whilst I attended a different primary school to Liam, I was happy that we went to the same secondary school. I fell madly in love with him, even though I was a child and I was hoping that he felt the same way I felt towards him. It became obvious to the other children that I had feelings towards Liam and they would tease me about it. I hoped that Liam would reciprocate my feelings but he rejected me. He told me that I was “ugly” and that he “would never date me in a million years”. I felt devastated. I was heartbroken. I struggled to believe that he did not feel the same way, therefore I kept asking my younger brother to ask him how he felt about me. My younger brother felt irritated because he kept telling me the same thing, which was that Liam did not love me or want to be with me romantically. I assumed because I felt these strong emotions, Liam would feel the same way also. I felt broken and worthless. I observed the way he would look at other girls in school and I felt ugly and I wished that I would look like them, so he would look at me like that. I started wearing make-up and changing my image to attract his attention. I would behave differently if I saw him, because I wanted his affection and I wanted to feel loved and accepted by him. I remember turning 14, and I wished that he would love me. I would cry myself to sleep because it felt so painful to accept that I was not loved or accepted. I began feeling bullied by him and his friends. I understand that he was angry that I kept pursuing him. I did not understand his rejection. I sent him love letters but I did not believe that he did not want me. I thought he was rejecting me to look good in front of his friends. I kept trying and trying and I just felt so lost and broken because I did not feel happy within myself because I wanted Liam to reciprocate how I felt. Liam stopped communicating with me and cut off all contact. He blocked me on social media. I felt pushed aside and I felt as if the ground I stood on had been yanked from me. I had built dreams of happiness circled around him and those dreams of a happy marriage one day were gone. I remember lying in my bed one night, I imagined that he was in front of me and I imagined telling him how I loved him. All of a sudden, I saw a figure that had eyes like his appear above me which made love to me for a few seconds then disappeared. I went into school the next day and saw him walk past me. I was baffled how he continued to act indifferent after what I experienced. How can he act as if nothing happened? Did I imagine the situation or did it really happen? All of these questions ran through my mind. I would sleep and Liam would make love to me in dreams. I became confused because in dreams, he would show me the love I needed, yet in reality, there was no communication between us. I would catch him looking at me from time to time, but he never approached me and after the way he had rejected me so many times, I was afraid to approach him and be rejected and experience that heart break again. I felt broken and lost. I felt I would never truly be happy because I did not have him in my life. All of this heartbreak and pain led me to make terrible decisions. I went to the library after school one day and found a book on the shelf, which was a spell book for teenage witches. As I had never fully accepted Christ or taken the time to learn or read scripture, I saw it as a regular book. There was a love spell to draw the man you want to you, out of heartbreak and despair I read it in my mind. I felt this cold wind blow on my face and then the next day, I saw Liam staring at me, yet his friends came around the corner and he didn’t approach me. This opened up an evil window in my life. I began to order love spells to try and make Liam love me because I loved him. Getting involved with witchcraft, opened up other doors, all of a sudden, I was pulled towards the occult. I became interested in crystals and trying to attract love through crystals. I would wear a rose quartz Crystal to try and bring Liam to me. I began to believe that they had healing powers and I became more and more desperate to have love in my life. I got involved in astrology. I would look at how the stars would describe my personality and compare Liam’s birth chart to see how compatible we would be. I would use my money to buy spells to make him love me, yet I became so resentful because nothing happened in reality. At the age of 17, my mother was diagnosed with a neurodegenerative condition called spinocerebellar ataxia. My world came crashing down. I had been so wrapped up and obsessed with attracting Liam that I missed out on being there for my family. My mother had to give up working and driving, I saw the huge impact her illness had on her life. I felt awful knowing that my mother was suffering. I began spending time with friends and singing in a choir to take my mind off things. At the age of 18, Liam went off to university and I never saw him again. He never said goodbye or wished me luck. I felt bitter and angry that I had suffered so many years yet he never took the time to say goodbye. I got into my first relationship at the age of 20, I dated a car mechanic called Jamie. He was a kind man, yet I did not feel ready to open myself up to him emotionally. I had been taught sex should take place in marriage, therefore I was not considering intimacy with him. After three months of dating, he asked if I wanted to get a hotel with him and I told him honestly that I was not comfortable and not ready to have sex with him. He seemed upset by my response and ignored me for the rest of the evening. I had a drink that he had bought me and I started to black out. I woke up and we were in a taxi and he told me that my friend had gone and that I could stay in his guest room because I was meant to be staying over my friends house, however she had gone apparently. When we arrived outside Jamie’s house, he explained that I couldn’t sleep in the guest room as his grandmother was sleeping there. He stated I should sleep in his car. I blacked out in the back of his car. I had flashes of him forcing himself into me, yet I was unable to move and push him off me. I woke up the next morning, trying to piece together what had happened. I saw the look in his eyes of darkness and emptiness. He coldly looked at his watch and told me he had to go to football practice and asked how I was going to get back. I felt as if I had been stabbed in the stomach, when I realised what he had gone and I began crying. I felt worthless, like something had been taken from me and unloved. I did not want to sleep with him and I felt broken that he did not respect my wishes. He became afraid, realising that I may speak up about what he had done, therefore he tried to convince me everything was okay and drove me home. I was afraid to tell my parents or anyone what had happened. I felt that I was bound to him after what had happened, so I remained with him until I found videos on the internet he had posted with my best friend of 15 years. I believed that Jamie had been unfaithful and I cut things off. It took all of the courage I had to end things because I was afraid of how he would react. He valued me so little that when I ended things, he responded with an okay message and that was all. I hit rock bottom and I felt no one loved or cared about me. I realised the friends I had were not really there for me and I cut them off. I felt I had no one to turn to for support or guidance. This point in my life led me to make one of the greatest mistakes. I felt lost, desperate and broken. I saw an advert online from psychic mediums who claimed they had gifts from God. Having questioned or not fully understood God all my life, I felt this was an opportunity to get to know God and see if God was truly real. I started ordering tarot readings from various psychic mediums. I asked one psychic who called herself Dawn for readings about Liam. I asked if he ever loved me because I was so broken because of him rejecting me. I asked questions about Jamie to piece together why I had been raped and to try and make sense of everything that had happened. These psychic mediums would tell me what I wanted to hear and lied to me. They convinced me that I would marry Liam one day and that I would experience that love from him that I had always wanted. I became so wrapped up in seeking answers and support. I wasted money on readings to find out if I would ever be loved and have a happy love life with Liam. For several years, I fell into a wicked trap of ordering readings and spells to create the love life I always wanted. I was given all of this information but I still felt empty and lost. I then started to have nightmares where black creatures would attack me and the psychic mediums revealed themselves to be witches were trying to initiate me into witchcraft and into the kingdom of darkness. I would wake up and see shapes above my bed and I saw a black glowing figure floating above my head. I felt it scanning my thoughts and collecting information about me for evil purposes. I realised at that point, when I started feeling surrounded by this evil and darkness, that this was not from God. I remember being told God is good as a child and that is when I realised what I have been experiencing is not good. I had a dream, where these black creatures were swarming to try and get to me. I was in a place filled with maggots and worms and corpses. Then I saw the cross and I heard a voice telling me “They cannot get past the cross”. That was the point I realised that God is real, Jesus is real and that the devil is real. I realised that I needed to know God and learn more about him. I realised that the devil was a liar. He had used mediums and witches to try and confuse me, to trap me into giving my energy and money to these wicked people, so that I would never know or come to serve God. The devil fed me lies by making me believe that I was not loved. The devil made me believe that there was no way back for me because I had gotten involved with so much evil. I felt terrible for everything that I had done and I was sorry for all that had taken place. I started reading the scriptures and praying to God to know who God really is. I realised that in scriptures, it states that we should not consult mediums or get involved in witchcraft. I made a huge mistake. I should have searched for God instead of turning to mediums because I realised the only person who is always there for me is God. God still stood by me, even thought I got involved in witchcraft and broke his laws. God never stopped loving me and I was so busy searching for love in people that did not know God themselves, I missed out on the happiness, love and joy that comes from having God as a father. My life changed from encountering God because I never felt loved or supported until I found God. I had laboured in vain, seeking answers from witches and warlocks about my future. I should have trusted God, where by scripture states that the plans the Lord our God has for us are good. I should have prayed to God for what I truly wanted and had faith, instead of dishonouring God by seeking help from evil sources. I realised I needed to change into the person God wants me to be instead of staying trapped in a situation of unrequited love. I confessed everything to my local priest and she prayed for my deliverance. When she prayed, I saw a light blue light when closing my eyes. I felt this electrical tingling around my body, as if removing the chains I had been bound by. I felt lighter and grateful that God had delivered me. I deleted all of the apps and removed anything tying me to witchcraft. I stopped ordering tarot readings. The mediums then appeared in dreams and kept reminding me of readings they had given me. They would argue what would happen in the future, however it is written in the scriptures that Gods will be done and that the devil is a liar. These mediums lied to me and argued with me, but only God knows what the future holds. It is God who plans our lives and God is always in control. The devil may lie to me but God tells us the truth and I refuse to listen to or be misled by those devils anymore. Truth comes from God and I realise that listening to or being guided by mediums is wicked because they never loved me or cared for me, the way God does. Jesus says whoever listens to mediums will be misled by their false teachings. I know this to be true. These mediums told me that I would travel to a place 7 times and I would see Liam, but I never did. They told me that there would be a blonde blue-eyed man in my work place that would become a love interest for me but there was no such man. They told me that I would move from my job, but I never did. I was lied to for so many years by these mediums and turning to God, I began to know truth. One medium told me I would never be with Liam then later said I would, so that whatever happened it would end up being true. I realised these mediums listen to evil spirits that serve Satan not God. Satan tried to deceive me into thinking these mediums were full of knowledge and power but compared to God, they are weak. They tried to manipulate me and confuse me into thinking I could turn to them for answers but they were seeking to make money and initiate me into evil. There was no support or love there. I turned to God and I found truth. I realised that God loved us so much that he sent his only son to die for me, even though I had been foolish and made countless mistakes, God had a plan to rescue me and show me that the mediums have no power. Jesus’s blood is more powerful than any of their spells and I know God is more powerful than their lies or manipulations. The devil told me enough truth to get me to follow the mediums whilst feeding me lies to keep me away from God. God rescued me from witchcraft and tarot mediums. God allowed me to remove all of those lies from my life and gave me a sense of purpose to serve him by making a difference to the lives of others in my current role in the hospital. God showed me a vision which showed my wedding day to Liam. He looked older and had curly hair which differed to how he was as a child. I saw a green field and a garden wedding. I was amazed that despite everything God blessed me with what I had asked for. I saw Liam smiling in the vision and I realised that I had never seen him look so happy. I felt thrilled that despite years of no contact and heartbreak, God was able to show me that I would experience the love I had always wanted from the man I wanted, after realising that true love comes only from God. I realised that we seek love from God first and foremost, then it flows into our relationships with others. I was grateful for the vision because it showed that God was always listening to my heart and had planned a happy marriage for me, I just foolishly never tried to seek God or his opinion. I am sorry to God that I got involved in witchcraft and consulted mediums, instead of turning to God alone. The love that you experience from God is unlike any love you experience from a partner or spouse because God is love. Upon realising this, I decided that I should live my life loving others as God has loved me. I work in a hospital now, helping to save lives and I volunteer at a homeless shelter once a month because I feel God calls me to help those in need as he loves them all. Thank you for reading my testimony. I hope it brings you truth and peace to know that God is able to deliver everyone.

I am grateful that God has delivered me and I know that by his grace, I have eternal life because of the amazing and loving God he is.