Rocky Road

Im glad i have eternal life for the strength to keep going forward in this life,love for other, faith to face fears, and freedom from my past

I’ve been through a battle of faith and following God most of my life, it isn’t an easy road for all. Although some make it look effortless but you never know the full story to everyone. I felt like everyone around me made their mistakes and sinned well before becoming the saved, baptized Christian that they are today but me I was drowning in the sea one second and on the boat the next only to get pushed back off again. Was my faith not strong enough…did I not try hard enough…did I deserve all these trails of hardship in return for the wrong I had done? It was hard for me not to wonder why I was going through all I had and I would constantly have to remind myself that I have no way of knowing God’s plan. However when I looked back on my life so far there were times when I could see clearly things he had handed to me then by my own free will or lack of faith I would lose them all on my own. A heart breaking realization. In my younger days I was taught to believe in God and Jesus, when you are little it seems to come so easily. I remember I liked going to church when we went but I don’t remember going often, my memories aren’t to clear till about age 6-7 when my parents separated and divorced. I think after that it was more difficult for my mom to attend a church and feel comfortable. I fully understand why she left my dad but divorce isn’t well accepted in most Christian/Baptist communities. I know now that I am struggling with going to church that feeling that you may not be accepted. Once we got settled I did start going back with a friend however I believe a mainly went to get away and play. Eventually my mom found new love, we moved, and I wasn’t in church again. I knew the story of Jesus and all he did for us and I believed even though this probably wasn’t the strongest upbringing in a religious since. Fast forward to my pre-teen and teenage years, well it was a roller coaster. I didn’t think too much about my religion for a good while, I didn’t worry or stress. After all there weren’t too many worries for a pre-teen, I had my sisters around, and stayed to myself a lot. Around age 12 I started back to church again after all my friend down the road would go, they could easily stop the van at my house, and all my sisters were gone at this point. I didn’t have much to do and needed to get out of the house. I thought church would be a good thing for me. I actually liked the church for the most part. I was saved at this church and even got my young nieces to go with me, they loved it. During this time things started to go downhill, my step dad started drinking heavily and it caused drama around the house. I prayed for him but also I could not stand him at that point. I tried every week to get my mom to join me at church but the answer was always “no”, which was irritating after a while. I continued to go, in doing so I noticed how much of a gossiping issue was there and even at that young age it bothered me. Then the final event that made me choose to stop going, I had an unwed pregnant sister and for whatever reason my van driver felt compelled to offer to take her baby…this resulted in my van driver getting completely cussed out. After that I just never went back. From then on I got to a point I really didn’t know what to believe anymore, honestly I didn’t really believe in anything including myself. I struggled with depression, anxiety, and a lot of stress through those teen years. Somehow I didn’t let that show in my school work but you defiantly saw it in the way I acted. Sure I had friends but overall I was still withdrawn, I started self-abusing, and drinking. My step dad had actually stopped drinking after he went to the hospital and almost lost his life, my parents then found a church of their own and wanted me to go. They tried to get the pastor to talk to me, well that didn’t go great. I left as soon as he got there and threatened if it ever happened again I would make them never want me in their church. I was so angry that for a year I asked my mom to go with me then all of a sudden since they had found faith I was just supposed to jump on board. Things just kept going downhill, I drunk everyday almost all day even when I was in school. Somehow my grades never did suffer. Finally I did stop after I drunk a full bottle of liquor along with some pills I had gotten, no im not proud of this but it did bring me to a realization that I had to stop. I honestly thought I would lose my life that night I had never felt so horrible, I couldn’t walk, couldn’t crawl, I couldn’t even really talk or move any part of my body. I laid there my head spinning, feeling like I was falling into the depths of something unknown. I didn’t know what to do then somehow I was able to cry out to God and ask him to save me. As we know I didn’t die and I that next day I was thankful. I stopped doing everything almost cold turkey, I knew if I kept going this way I was going to die. It would have been nice if I had started going to church and growing in faith after that but I didn’t. I did graduate with a good grade point average and I got accepted to college like I wanted. I chose not to go because of the debt and a guy. I believe I could have had a very different life had I chosen to leave, I was handed this grand opportunity and I was too scared to take it. Instead I moved in with the guy, of course that didn’t work out but he is now one of my best friends so it wasn’t all a loss. I was working two jobs trying to make ends meet, praying I could make it and find the one I was meant to be with. I reached out to a man that was going through some troubles, I gave him someone to talk to and we fell in love. I thought he was the one and he did to since he proposed, I said yes but was scared out of my mind. We moved in with each other and spent four years together and never married. He was a great man just handed to me and looking back he was one of the things that I lost all on my own. I started doubting everything and working too much, I didn’t put the right things first, and I had little faith. This infected me and my relationship until it was no more. I moved yet again, I had quit my prior job because the stress on me and my relationship but it was too late. My new job just wasn’t enough to keep me going and I started going in debt, however I didn’t help myself spending on alcohol and going out. I was very lost and lost people can get their minds so twisted. I had started dating a party boy who constantly was trying to cheat on me but I felt like I deserved this for messing up my prior relationship. I stayed with him for about a year before I finally stopped partying and felt like I had been hurt enough. During this time I prayed yet again to find a better job so I could afford a life and God handed it straight to me. A big manufacturing plant was hiring, I had never done that type of work but thought it couldn’t hurt to apply after all I did have management experience. I was called for an interview and test then I actually got the job making double what I was. Still feeling lost, I finally did go back to church. It was close to home and my sister had invited me, even though it was small and a little different I liked it. Plus we would all fellowship afterwards which was a nice way to spend my time and keep my mind from wandering. I hadn’t dated for a while, I was trying to get my life back on track and right with the lord. Eventually I did pray for God to do his will in my life and to help me find the one I should spend it with. That very week a friend from work asked for my number, I was a little taken back as I never expected that he had any interest in me at all. I did give him my number thinking maybe it was just a friendly gesture because we did talk a lot at work. The next day he asked me to dinner, I remember I was a little hesitant to agree but thought it was too big of a coincident not to. He went to church with me a few times and eight months later we were married, I was actually pretty happy about it. However I stopped going to church again due to the pastor telling my sister her anxiety was just the devil and would not leave her alone during an anxiety attack. Wouldn’t you know it, things went downhill again but not exactly like normal. My husband only about a month into marriage starting closing himself off and seemed unhappy. I tried to talk to him but his answer was always something generic, never letting the real issues through. He barely paid attention to me and lived at his computer desk. This in turn made me depressed, and made me feel that I must have failed at being a wife even though I was working, cleaning, cooking, and just trying my all around best. After a while it was like I didn’t even know who I married anymore so I told him to take some time and stay with his mom. I thought it would be temporary but the next week or so he went while I was work and moved out, it broke my heart. I didn’t realize he thought that was what I wanted when I just wanted him to be open and figure out why he wasn’t happy. We both went through a lot during the separation and I learned he had hid some big things from me that made me unsure if I could ever trust him again. There continued to be ups and down, he filed for divorce and even though I knew it was wrong and it hurt I signed. I spent about another year lost but still praying here and there, hanging out with people I shouldn’t, and feeling alone. Then another guy entered my life, he went to church regularly and turned out it was at my parents church. I didn’t think dating him would work out and it didn’t but I was able to talk to him about God and went back to church. I continued going to church there even after we broke up, I got my bible, took notes, and got baptized. Things in my life had started getting to me though and I had got put on anxiety medication, still I went to church. All of a sudden a man from my past walked in to my life, someone I had loved but he was not ready when we had dated before and had addiction issues. He assured me his issues were not like before and he had been bettering his self the last few years in hope that he would find a way back to me. I fell in love and so did he or so I thought, it was great in the beginning even though I had to help him get some of his life back together. He proposed and I was completely sure that he was the one I was going to be with the rest of my life. I did start to notice his addiction problem was haunting him and he had gave in some, around that time I found out I was pregnant…I stopped going to church. Premarital sex and being an unwed mother, of course I knew how it happened but it was not what I had planned. I was ashamed, not of my child but of my actions. Three months into the pregnancy I was struggling with how to ask for forgiveness and forgive myself. Any child is a blessing and I loved mine with all my heart but I was scared of judgment. I had a hard time with the pregnancy, I was constantly tired, sick, or hurting and it was hard for me to be the person I am with all the changes and stress. Because of these reasons my fiancé found it suitable to give in to temptation and sleep with another women, I forgave him but I was mad. I tried to my hardest to make him see we should be a family and work things out but he couldn’t deal with the pregnancy and chose to stay with another. I am on the same road again, hurt and lost. Calling on God to guide me because I don’t know which way to go or what to do, feeling like I failed him yet again. I am 28 years old this time and now looking back I see how many things God handed me and I of me own will or by letting the devil near me with all the worldly tools he use to get in your head, lost them myself. I know God does not control every tiny thing in your life and you con not blame him for all the wrongs that happen, you have to walk down the road with faith and live by his word which is a choice. It isn’t always easy to follow or to completely give up wondering and worrying about the plan for you. So again I ask forgiveness, ask him to lead my life, and open my heart and mind so I may hear him. Now more than ever I see what he has done for me many times. I do not condone unwed pregnancy and I will repent for my sin but I love my child with all my heart. My faith will be renewed.

I know that God is with me and hears when truly call