My Testimony : It won’t end

Why would he do this?

A few months after I was born I was baptized into the Catholic Church. I remember going to Sunday school with my grandma. She was a part of the Lutheran Church but to me I didn’t care what religion anyone was I just cared that people knew God loved them. I would go with my grandma and sing and color and read the children’s bible. We would go to the old folks home and sing for them and I loved God and my grandma Nanny reminded me of that all the time. Life took a turn when my dog passed away and then Nanny was diagnosed with colon cancer. It was rapid because we didn’t catch it early enough. He hair began to fall out she lost all her weight and soon she had to use a walker. Once she was on hospice I wasn’t allowed to lay on the couch anymore as she played with my hair til I fell asleep and that’s when I knew she was really going to be gone. When she passed away I was only seven but I decided that I wanted my life to end too so I can be with her in heaven. I told my dad it’s not fair, how come he gets her for 40 years and I only get her for seven? Why would God do this to me? The next year people in my family kept dying and and it seemed to prove my point. I had always been bullied when I was young but it wasn’t too bad until Nanny was gone so then when she was gone I got really anxious and depressed and I was put in therapy. I would have panic attacks and just want my life to be over so I could finally be with Nanny. By 4th grade I was majorly depressed and I expressed how suicidal I was feeling and I did more therapy. After that I felt better but I would have times where I just wondered if I really wanted to live. By 6th grade I felt miserable I started coping in ways I never thought I would with self-injury and I tried to take my life many times but I told no one. I made a comment to my parents one day and I was put back in therapy. I lied for months and never said anything about the self injury till a friends mom told my mom. My therapist told me she couldn’t help anymore so I went to a program and I lied more and I told them I never tried to take my life. One day I slipped up and I told them. They took me Inpatient and I stayed for 20 days. I was then on new medications and lost my appetite. I went back to my eating disorder behaviors from my childhood and rapidly lost weight. But nobody thought it was an eating disorder and just thought I was being active and healthy. I started 7th grade and got hospitalized again in October for wanting to take my life and self injury which was when I got diagnosed with my eating disorder. I had some amazing times in the hospital and some terrible times where I just screamed and cried. At this time I didn’t really believe in God because I didn’t understand why he would make me feel this way and make everyone I love die. Once the new year hit in 7th grade I got hospitalized another two times for the same reasons which was when my doctors thought it would be best for me to go to a residential facility.

When I went to residential it was in Virginia. I’m from Illinois so it was a big change not seeing my family. I met girls that were great and I met some that were terrible and didn’t believe in change. My aunt sent me a box of books and one was a prayer book. From that moment on I stated to reunite with my faith. I spent my days in the backyard staring at the birds and writing in my journal. I came home and something had changed. I loved God and I wanted to feel my faith again.

He is in my boat

Some say when they found God everything bad went away. But I believe even though there are bad things in life God knows you can get through them. I still feel depressed some days, I listen to my negative eating disorder thoughts and self injury thoughts sometimes, and I question my life sometimes but I remind myself that God wouldn’t put me through something he knows I wouldn’t survive. I’m in 8th grade now and I have picked my high school schedule. I get confirmed in two months and I’ve joined my church’s youth ministry program and I’m going on my first ever mission trip this summer.

“Just because you have God in your boat doesn’t mean there won’t be storms, it means your boat won’t sink until he knows it’s time”