MY SURRENDER

Before I started my relationship with Jesus Christ my life was full of disappointment and regret leaving me with me with emptiness that ignited addiction and bad habits which eventually only led to discontent because I was left with feelings of loneliness, guilt, and shame from all the self-centered pain that stemmed from low self-esteem because of abandonment that caused pain of rejection landing me in despair and depression inducing great grief pushing me further to chasing "cheap thrills" of a high I was searching for due to lack of fulfillment in the boredom of my life landing me in a marriage full of more other problems creating bitterness and resentment and heart along with anger resulting in poor health; I started searching for "The Truth" which spiraled me into confusion with fear consuming me.

I felt abandoned and rejected by my daddy that raised me from the time I was 11 months old until my early teen years which left me with unresolved issues that effected me throughout my whole life and I strayed away from church family around that same time in my early teen years leaving me lost in this world and vulnerable with no direction or guidance, and a longing for a family and someone to love me me and accept me. By the age of 22 my biological father was my heroin dealer and I was married to my meth dealer in a marriage that was full of abuse-drug abuse, physical abuse, emotional and mental abuse, and also spiritual abuse. My life eventually became what felt like to me, torture and torment day and night.

When I was younger, I invited Jesus in my heart and I was baptized in 2005, however after my family being torn apart and straying away from my church family I did not grow spiritually and I did not understand the full concept of who Jesus was and what He had done for all of us which lead me later in life questioning if God was actually real and if I was even really saved. I just really wondered how you "knew" if you would go to heaven or hell. Right before the age of 23 I started reading the bible a lot but still had my confusions and right after my 23rd birthday I had a friend witness to me about Jesus. Throughout my spiritual journey of seeking for Him, I finally came to the conclusion that God was good and Jesus was real and just decided on November 28, 2015 to surrender the drugs, my marriage- my whole life to Him. Something had to give and it was me. I had to give Him all of me and in return he revealed all of Him. That's when I was sure of my salvation and that's when I knew I had received eternal life.

Now that I have accepted Jesus completely and gave my life to Him I know I have a good purpose in life and I know I have significance with God which gives me power for living. He has not only gave me eternal life with assurance of Heaven; he has gave me eternal joy with my soul. I have such an inner peace in my heart now that never leaves me. He has created in me patience and love giving me comfort at all times. He became my true best friend, my Father, my husband, everything I have ever longed for. He understands me. Real, lasting happiness is now what I possess through Christ. I have freedom of my past. When I accepted God's unconditional love, it broke my chains that held me captive to all my sin. He freed me from my past and the abuse in my marriage. God granted me the power to change the inside of me so I could heal and now my whole life has changed for the good. My life now is full of hope and I think of it as an adventure with God. God is always with me and has given me faith to face my fears. I have confidence and security. During tough times when this adventure with God through life gets rocky and scary He gives me the strength to carry on. Without Him I can do nothing. I trust in God's plan for my life so do not worry about outcome of the marriage that found myself in. He also has created in me a love for others so I long to tell them what Christ done for more so maybe they can have hope and choose to let Him do great things for themselves. God is the author of my story and I give Him all the glory.

There has been moments God has come so close to me in His presence and revealed Himself to me that I felt such indescribable feelings of the most extent of joy and peace and comfort you could possible imagine. His grace and mercy is truly amazing and his love is forever. It was like I had a glimpse of heaven and I was on cloud nine in these moments. It was such excitement. The Holy Spirit consumed me. I had such peace with everything and it was like everything made sense, I did not have a question in my mind or worry or wonder, I just "knew" in that moment. It was His amazing grace. His unconditional love. These experiences were so powerful and anyone that seen me when I experienced them could see my shining from His presence that He let me feel. Christ was shining through me and oh how I could feel Him like I long to!

It is by God's grace that I am saved. It is through Him that I live today and have life, and better yet, eternal life at that- with Him in paradise! I know what He has revealed to me and gave me just here on earth, I can't even imagine what Heaven would be like. The grace He has shown me and the love I have felt from Him with such powerful presence He has allowed me to experience I know can not be compared to what the place He has prepared in Heaven will be like. I know that if I die today, I only die in the flesh and I will go to be with the Lord and I know I will go to Heaven. & You know what? It rests with my soul that I am not a lost soul anymore. I once was lost but now I am found. I once was blind but now I see. The truth set me free!