My story: saved from my addiction

Before I accepted Jesus in my life, I saw no hope. I had a depression and I didn't know how to move on. I literaly saw no light, and I wanted to end my life. I grew up, knowing that God existed because I went to church, but I wanted to FEEL it. And I did everything to feel God, but I couldn't. So I searched fullfillment of my feelings in different stuff. I wanted to FEEL something, so I became addicted to porn. It got worse and worse and worse. I always first watched porn, and then searched for suicide videos or movies. I had panic attacks because I felt so alone and so unfullfilled. I didn't know how to move on, and I can say that if I didn't accept Jesus in my heart, I wouldn't be here anymore. I would've taken my life, because I hated myself. I wasn't strong enough to stop with porn, and that made me even more depressed. How could I be so weak? But I was also angry at God. He never answered my prayers through feelings and He never stopt me from sinning. I knew that I wouldn't stop sinning if I would accept Jesus in my life, but I knew that I wouldn't watch porn anymore. And I still did. The biggest problem that I didn't tell anyone. I sweared to myself that IF I would ever tell someone, I would kill myself.

I remember one night that I felt so alone and full of sin. I just watched porn and I felt SO down and worried about my future. I had a panic attack and I couldn't stop crying. The tears filled up my eyes and they couldn't stop falling down my eyes. I couldn't scream, because my brother was sitting in the room next to me. But I screamed as loud as I could in my heart. I was so angry at God, and I hated Him so much. I wanted to feel love, but I couldn't. So I took a knife and I made a cut in my wrist. It wasn't deep, but it felt like I had control. I was proud.

One night I was so tired of constantly fighting against myself and against God. I just couldn't do it anymore. I just watched porn and I hated myself. That was when I realized I couldn't help myself. I only could make it worse. I fell on my knees and I prayed. I don't know exactly what I prayed, but I know some things. I know that I asked for forgiveness from my sin. I didn't know what to do anymore, so I cried. I was so sad, and I knew that I needed Jesus. I begged God to forgive me and to fill me with His Spirit and love. I couldn't give anything to God than me: sins, dirt, shame, weakness, etc. But that's when I felt love. Because Jesus said that He came for people like me! I didn't have to do anything or to bring anything with me in prayer. I just needed me to be me before God. And He excepted me! He loved me! Just as I was! Because this was the only way He could give we what I needed: grace. He couldn't give it to me if I didn't need it or if I didn't care about it. The only way He could give it, was by needing it.

I'm changed. I know I'm gonna sin until I die. I know that I'm not perfect and I know I'm gonna disappoint myself and the people around me. But God knows who I am: I am His child, and I am loved by Him! Thanks to God I'm still here. If He would be here, I would've taken my life, and I wouldn't be here anymore. But God lives, so I live also! And I love life this way. Because I always know that my God is greater! One day I will see my Father and I'll look Him in the eyes and I will say: thank you, Father! Thank you for your blood for me. You died for me, even tough I didn't deserve it. I have eternity to praise you God, thank you!

One night I was at a party of my friend and we were sitting outside. The sky was colored so different than normal, and I thought Jesus was coming back! I loved it. I wasn't afraid anymore, and I wanted to be with Him, forever! :)

Ephesians 2:8 -> For it's by grace you have been saved through faith. It's all by God's grace, not through my own works. And because God is faithful, I know I am save, forever! And I don't have to fear anymore, because God's always with me. Thank you, Jesus!