My story

I oftentimes believe that I have not fully found God yet. But there is a part of me that has found him, and that is the part I am focusing on right now.

I used to believe that God was not real, because I did not understand why he would put me through hell and back and back again and not even help me. I used to ask myself, “ if God were real, why me?” Ive now realized that God did that because he knew I could make it out. I was an angry girl. I was struggling badly with my mental health, and in January 2024 I was home alone one weekend and attempted to end my life. I was alone on my mom’s bathroom floor, I had my notes to my friends and family in my notes app on my phone. I took all the pills I could find and laid down on the floor figuring that this would be my end. The world that God had put me in, I would take myself out of it. But then, an overwhelming feeling came over me that I could not die that night. My dog, who was laying on my mom’s bedroom floor, began to whine. I did not want to get up, but I then received a call. It was my boyfriend at the time, and he just listened to me sob and he told me to take some deep breaths.

I then realized I could not die, I hung up the phone and began to throw up. As I felt my heart racing I realized that God sent my dog and my current boyfriend at that time. My boyfriend who is now my ex does not know he saved my life at the time. I was still angry at the world and at God at this time. God saved my life but I refused to accept it because I was still struggling. I ended up lashing out on my mom one day in March 2024. She did not know about my attempt, but when I lashed out she did not get mad; she instead signed me up for therapy. I started therapy and I was doing better but that feeling was still lingering. By Easter, my grandfather asked me if i wanted to attend mass with him.

reluctantly agreed, and the pastor that day talked about “ God knows you have such a light in you that even on your darkest days you will find that light once again.” And I decided from that day forward that I would do so. At that moment, I realized that God had given me a purpose on that night in January. To keep going and to keep pushing because he knew I could handle it. I was less angry, and eventually started to find the good in things that I would have not previously. Am I still struggling mentally, absolutely.

Do I blame god anymore, not at all. He has made me realize my strength and that I have a light in me that will not die and he will make sure of it.

I do still struggle with mental health and am working on developing a way to devote myself, but for now I am happy with how far I’ve progressed.