My Personal Testimony

Before I received eternal life, I faced great trials and tribulations, many of my own making. I had grown up in a Christian Family, but there were many aspects about my faith that I had no true understanding of. From a young age, I was very imaginative. I would envision mini characters of Jesus and the devil arguing and getting into petty disputes, as amusing as it used to be. I recognize now the true character of the devil, and the character of my god. God is a representation of all things good and holy, and seeks for us to be in a relationship with him. While the devil is a fallen spirit intent upon bringing forth the fall of humanity spiritually and ensuring that we are separated from God eternally. As the Bible describes him he was the original murderer because he is why we are plagued with sin today, and why we continuously wage war against our flesh. As the years went on, and I passed middle school and high school, I felt constantly plagued with a sense of unease and anxiety, which continued well after I chose to follow God, primarily because I hadn’t fully surrendered my life over to him. I struggled with loneliness, and occasional depressive episodes. Though, I never had a relationship I occasionally desired romantic relationships with men to escape my loneliness and daily boredom, which spiraled into lust. For a short time, I experienced homosexual thoughts in my mind, and perverse sexual thoughts that I didn’t want, but would intrude on my mind. I prayed fervently that the Lord remove them and he did in time. I idolized a great many things, and put aspects of my life ahead of god. Hobbies, Family, Fantasy and Fiction, or whatever was the object of my fancy at the time. I had a severe issue spiritually with idolatry. And it is something that I still battle to this day. As I grew older, my imaginative traits weaved into my life going into adulthood, and I found myself always daydreaming, to the extent that it had spiraled into an addiction. There were various points throughout my life where I had to remove the triggers entirely so that I could be present in reality. In short, I had a great many years seperate from the Lord, and many of these issues I discovered within the first year of my entry into Christianity, serious Christianity. Where I wanted to go all in for my Lord and Savior. It was definitely one of the most difficult periods of my life to say the least.

There was a particular incident where I was at school in the restroom and I just broke down. It came to me in a rush, an amalgamation of all I had done wrong in life, the crushing loneliness of isolation, the understanding of how rampant sin was in my life, the understanding that no one would love me unconditionally like my savior, and the fact that I despite growing up in a loving home, didn’t truly know what love was, at least not unconditional love. I was struck in the depths of despair that entire day, because I felt so alone, and even that crushing despair was indicative of how unbalanced my life could be. So, I cried out to the Lord fervently seeking for him to take away my pain and the burden of this miserable feeling. I surrendered all of my burdens on the Lord, and I am beginning to recover from it. I am still reminded of the weight of past sins occasionally, and I have made my fair share of making mistakes even after my conversion. In fact, this situation happened after my conversion. Though, I did make spiritual progress I made it much harder for myself by not approaching it in a balanced way, I was either of the two extremes, either dangerously legalistic and worried about my salvation constantly and feeling that God was constantly angry with me. Or so relaxed about it that I did things that I knew were blatantly wrong, putting other things before God, or indulging in a habit I had long since renounced. Fortunately, that’s all behind me now, and the old ways of the flesh I have renounced altogether. But I do want to caution those that are looking to be Christian’s, either go all in or don’t. I fear that much of my heartbreak and sorrow came from my inability to commit to God within the first year and a half of my conversion and because of that my relationship with God isn’t what it could’ve been had I been fully dedicated.

I have received eternal life, and have experienced joy like no other, I no longer rely on frugal items that I can obtain, or let my obsessiveness regarding my hobbies to overtake me and replace the role of God in my life. I also feel more affectionate with other people, and feel a striving in me to do good, whereas before I became so attached to my own desires that I became self absorbed and narrow minded.

I have also lost my obsessive compulsive tendencies and my anxiety is overall diminished, though it still can come up if I am not careful about maintaining it. I no longer care what other people think of me, just God above. And most importantly I am slowly but surely leading a balanced life free from idolatry.

I remember one night after my conversion when I dreamed that me and Jesus were at the bottom of a golden stairwell, arm and arm we began to go up. Though we hadn’t even gone up one step before I stumbled, deeply apprehensive and unsure of myself. My arms were clinging to him, and I imagine I was holding on to him so tightly that his arms must have been bleeding. Anyone else would’ve looked at me with disgust or exasperation, but not Jesus. His eyes were lucid with love and adoration, and his arm gently held mine, his eyes seem to say a lot to me in that moment, just hold on tightly, I am here to help you, I will always be there to help you back up. I was clinging to his arm like a life raft stumbling and making a fool of myself, but his wonderful lucid eyes never left mine looking at me with a adoration and love that to me a little while ago would seem unimaginable. It was a blissful carefree dream. On some nights, when my loneliness and isolation threatened to overtake me, I remember praying fervently at one point that God would make a personal appeal to me, appearing in my dreams. We’d have a dramatic moment of reunion, embedded in a sea of green grass, or somewhere else just as picturesque and we’d embrace just the two of us entangled in each other forever. I dreamed so fervently about it, because I realized that the one who loved me the most was the very one who I could never be with physically, and I imagine I was a tad bit touch-starved I am a loner for the most part and I generally dislike physical touch from anyone besides my family. Another way in which I used to be unbalanced. Anyhow, I wish with all my heart that I could go back to that dream, arm and arm with the God who loves me more than I can imagine and stay there forever. But I recognize also that I am a vessel for the spirit of God and my life doesn’t end until he says it does, besides there is still a great many things I’d like to do here on his earth, some small, some big, but until God reveals his purpose for me and I execute it, I will not leave this earth. I will continue to do his will as best I can, and support all people within the kingdom of God, as well as those who are not. I love you all so much, and I hope my testimony is a blessing to you or someone you know my purpose as of now is to encourage and sow the seeds of life to those who don’t have it. And I hope everyone remembers most of all that everyone deserves a chance at redemption. I have messed up time and time again, but God has declared that I am redeemed in Jesus name and you all will be too!

I wanted to conclude my testimony with some of the wisdom that I have gleaned from the short time I have been serious about my faith. I also wanted to share a figment of wisdom and comfort that no matter what your feelings tell you, you are saved as long as you profess with your mouth and believe deep within your heart in the Lord’s noble sacrifice, his choosing to submit himself to die a gruesome death and to bear the weight of every single sin on earth, that you are saved. Believing in Jesus in retrospect, is also also about surrendering your life over to the Lord, allowing the old to become new, and dying right alongside the Christ, not physically but a permanent change of your fundamental core, and it’s not because of anything you did, it’s because the Lord with all his compassion gave us the free gift of salvation. Be sure to thank him for it, and as Jesus says go in peace, and sin no more. It’s okay if you make mistakes, but do not take the burden of sin lightly, do you utmost best to stay away from it. It is a disease, and you must always remember that. With that in mind, I end my testimony and I hope that what I have said inspires you and encourages you to give your life over to God.