My Personal Testimony

Before I received Jesus I was afraid of pain and rejection

From very early on in childhood I didn’t have parents that had my best interest at heart . At the age of 2 my mother walked out on me and my siblings . When my mother walked out my biological dad stayed with my grandparents to help raise me and my 2 siblings . It wouldn’t be until the age of 14 that I met her and my other siblings that had different dads. But before that time would come the years before meting my mother and after were filled with abuse. I was both sexually and physically abused very young. My biological father had a weakness for woman who were damsels in distress, but sad part was even though in his eyes he was the hero each one of the woman he chose had bipolar disorder even my own mother did . When I met my mother I was very naive in the sense that everything was going to go how I imagined it . I wasn’t like my other 5 siblings you see me and my twin sister were failed abortion attempts made to come out 3 months early by a coat hanger made into a hook but it wouldn’t be until I turned 21 that it was made apparent to me . I developed cerebral palsy from it me and my sis couldn’t walk until we were 3. On my dad side I was raised Pentecostal Christian and at a young age I loved Jesus very much but when I started to ask questions of where was my mother or why was my dad sick in the head dealing with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, manic depression I began to put Jesus to the side . Three days after I flew to Nevada to see my mom with all my siblings my dad had a mental breakdown and beat up a 76 year old male police officer broke his nose , gave him 2 black eyes and left him in a puddle of his own blood . My father tried to resist arrest and he had to be tazed four different times . This would be a common occurrence when my father would not take his medication it was like he had no emotional connection or understanding of how to love anything . His moral compass was damaged . He had been out of his mind since before I was born . I was with my mom for 2 and a half months when visiting her I went from a size 12 to a size 6 in less than 2 months . She didn’t know how to be a mother. Anytime all of us kids were fighting she just get up and leave us alone for hours at a time or lock herself in her bedroom and not open up to anyone even if my little sister threaten suicide . She promised me I could stay with her because I wanted a mother I wanted to be in my other siblings life but Jesus had other plans . At the time being I didn’t know that my mother’s boyfriend dad who I called grandpa Joe was a predator . Into 2 and a half months of me staying there my grandma and aunt bought a plane ticket and showed up my mother sent me to grandpa joe house cause I thought if I wasn’t there I could stay . The police were called and lied to my mother that if she didn’t return me then she would face jail time because they even felt she was not a good mother . My aunt and my grandma rented a car and told my mother and her family that we were gonna be at the airport but we weren’t it was just to throw them off we traveled 3 days on the road every stop we got too we all asked for food .

It was March 2013 seven months after I came back from Nevada and I was at my childhood Church. There was this prophet named Keith visiting I loved hearing him tell his story of how Jesus saved him he was from Sydney Australia. Nearing the end of the service I went up to the front of the first pew near the alter I was crying and praying and Keith looked at me and said when my sisters in Christ were praying for me Jesus planted a seed down in my heart . Keith asked me do I know how that seed grows I said no I don’t he told me that seed has to go way deep down in my heart and take root then it will turn into something beautiful . Then he told me I shouldn’t be angry at my parents and that I should forgive them for what they did to me . I knew Jesus told him because I never seen this man before in my life until now . From that moment I knew I was Jesus daughter . I actually belonged to someone that would love me for me and I didn’t have to do anything but accept the love .

Now that I have Jesus in my life I finally know what it means to show self love before then I would love everyone else and tell them that they were little miracles . But when it came to myself all I had was self hatred to the point I would self harm or be suicidal because I thought since I couldn’t control what was happening around me .

About 8 months ago I was visiting my aunt and uncle church after I came back from being homeless running away from more abuse and after I thought I might be pregnant from a man that just used me for sex . I remember sitting in the back and there was singing and I just lifted my hands and broke I started to speak in tongues and then everyone gathered around praying with me . I felt such a warmth I remember afterwards this man named Brain said the Lord told him to come and talk to me . He said when I was speaking in tongues that was the same broken cry he cried out to Jesus with and he told me that Jesus wanted me to know he heard my broken cry and that things that the Lord put on the back burner were gonna come to fruition .

I know I have Jesus because there have been 8 times in my life I know of I should of died and I’m still here . Jesus has been everything I ever wanted in a parent all I ever wanted was to belong to feel as though my existence was not an accident and Jesus has showed me he always loved me . One time when I was on the phone with a friend Jesus gave her a vision of me in a beautiful white dress and she could see me dancing with Jesus saying he was so proud of me . I had no cerebral palsy in the vision . Jesus even showed her that me and him will tap dance in heaven and showed her images of me dancing like a ballerina . He knows our deepest desires and I was always fond of dancing but because of my legs it was just a dream I held onto . I know when I get to heaven I will dance for the Lord forever .