My journey with God

I’m never alone, for he is with me always. Living healed and free cause of Him

Long post (I’ve tried condensing it). I’m not a writer by any means. I just hope this helps someone who is experiencing the same or similar. In honor of this upcoming Passover, I’m sharing my story with God. I hope that this gives hope to someone and know that you’re not alone. I’ve gone back and forth about deleting this. It’s been on my heart that I should share this. I’ve worried what people would think and whether or not they’ll judge me, but people will do that anyway. It’s been a long time coming. I’ve put it off and keep finding every excuse not to, but God has told me no. It’s not about me. Someone needs to hear this. Maybe you’re in the same boat, maybe you’ve felt the same way, maybe not. So here we go! I grew up in Southaven, MS. I was born in Mobile. I have 3 brothers and a sister and parents that were high school sweethearts. I had a mostly normal childhood. I went to school, I was in gymnastics, I had friends, everything was good. Until one night everything changed. I witnessed my parents physically fighting. It got bad enough my mom gathered me, my brother and sister up and told us to grab some clothes and get in the car. I never cried so much watching my grandma and dad run after us, begging us not to leave as we pulled out of the driveway and drove off. I thought I’d never see them again. It felt like that night would never end and things would never be the same again. After a couple of days we came back home to see my dad crying and apologizing over and over.. we all cried. Never before had we been so broken as a family. From that day forward my dad started on his journey to sobriety. He gave his life to Christ and we began going to church. We all followed in his foot steps and gave our lives to Christ. We needed God and he welcomed us with open arms. 1-2 years later we lost our home. We moved in with family and tried to pick up the pieces to get back on our feet again. We struggled. My parents started fighting again, and my dad relapsed. It got bad again. I remember crying myself to sleep so many nights. The only thing that kept me going was God. He became my refuge, my strong tower. My dad came home one day and humbled himself and cried and surrendered to God. He couldn’t do this on his own. We got back into church and being one with God again as a family. We finally got a house of our own. We moved in and couldn’t be more thankful to God for blessing us. Things were good. My mom went to school to become a nail technician while taking care of all of us and homeschooling us. One day my mom came home and couldn’t stand up straight without hurting. Her stomach was hurting her and she slowly started turning yellow/green. Dad tried taking her to the hospital but she couldn’t sit down in the car without being in excruciating pain. So he called an ambulance. We began to worry. My told me to pray. We later get the news that my mom had a hole in her stomach the size of a half dollar bill. The doctor had to perform an emergency surgery that was only performed a handful of times in the US and there was no guarantee of her surviving. In fact, the doctor told my dad to expect her not to make it out alive. My dad told me this, and I just began praying and praying. I had just seen my mom earlier that same day and began wondering if that was the last time I’d get with her. I cried and prayed all night and all day. We got the news that my mom made it through surgery, but recovery was going to be an uphill battle. In surgery they removed a rib, took tissue from the rib to repair the hole in her stomach, diverted her esophagus so all her saliva/etc. would drain from the hole in her neck and not go to her healing stomach. To top it off she had a feeding tube for a year. She had staples in her stomach, her side where they took her rib out, and stitches in her neck. I held her hand when they took the staples out and her stitches. My heart broke. She had to learn how to walk, talk, and eat all over again. She eventually became stronger. I’ll forever be grateful to God that he heard my prayers and let me have my mom just little bit longer. To God be the glory. If it wasn’t for God I don’t believe my mom would be here today. She’s living proof of one of God’s many miracles. 1-2 years later we lost our home again. We moved in with family once more. Things were hard again.We struggled. I was in 8th grade. We started going to a new church. We loved the people that made the church what it was. I started dating a guy. I explained early on that I wanted to wait for marriage. He walked the line. I had this overwhelming guilt hanging over me. I felt like I had betrayed God. I felt like God would never look at me the same. How could he love me now I thought. I ended the relationship. This started a spiral of failed relationships. Then I met who I thought was the one. We dated for 7-8 years. We were engaged. God was no longer my world. My world now revolved around my relationship. I even packed up and moved to another state to be closer to him. One night he called off our engagement. 6 months before our wedding. I had nearly everything planned out. I felt lost and so broken. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I felt like the world came out from under me. A few days later I went to the beach for my birthday with family. I went in the water by myself and swam out. No one around me. I stopped and began crying and just talking to God. I poured out my heart to him. He said to me “Everything is going to be alright. I am with you always.” I just begged God don’t leave me, don’t forsake me. I need you God. And he listened. Every day I woke up and thanked God for another day of healing. After time passed I began spiraling once more. I got further and further from God. I was consumed by my brokenness. I looked for happiness and validation in another relationship. That failed too. I felt unwanted and unloved. I cried out to God “Don’t leave me.. please don’t leave me. Stay with me. I need you” He heard my every cry and every prayer. He never left me. If it wasn’t for God I wouldn’t have had the ability to carry on. To not give up hope. I still struggle every day. I’m not prefect and I don’t pretend to be. I’m so far from it. I mess up every day. I still battle anxiety and learning to control my thoughts. I’m thankful to have a God that never once left me, never changed his love for me, and has always extended his grace towards me when I didn’t deserve it at all. If you’ve experienced heartbreak over a loved one struggling to survive, a broken engagement, or growing up in a spiritually broken family, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Broken is not your identity. You don’t have to live in it. Yes you can hurt and feel, as long as you don’t stay there. God feels your hurt too. He hurts with you. Just don’t stay in your hurt. Your identity can be found in Christ. Your healing can be found in Christ. You don’t have to figure it out on your own. God gives you that freedom by carrying it all so you don’t have to. Let God in. Start your journey to healing, and live free. I am now happier than I have ever been. Every victory is God’s.

Knowing that God never left me and never will is something I hang on to every day. He’s proven that time and time again. He healed me when I couldn’t heal myself. I couldn’t imagine going through this life without him.