My choice to live.

Before I receive eternal life, I didn't want to be myself-nor on this earth.

I grew up with an abusive father who is no longer in my life. Since I grew up with this toxic person my whole life till I was thirteen, I thought it was completely normal and didn't think It was wrong or even different to other families. Once I got around the age of eleven-after I witnessed my father having a seizure due to drugs, I knew my life wasn't normal.

Then I discovered god's true love and sacrifice he had for me and others.

Now that I have eternal life, I don't fear death or challenges that cross me.

I grew up in a catholic home, However we were only religious to the extent of going to church ion holidays and a few Sunday masses a month. When I realized my life wasn't normal, that's when I began to have doubts about god. I knew he was real but I didn't know if he was there for me. Then at the age of twelve, I witnessed my father having a horrible seizure with vomit and blood and a trip to the hospital. This is when my mental health issues went downhill. I struggled with severe depression and didn't know what to do. A few months later I cut my father out of my life and my parents got a divorce. I was free but still struggling. Then spring of freshman year of high School, I found out one of my best friends wasn't a true friend. This made me feel depressed again. This person who I thought was my friend for years, who knew about my traumatic childhood and was there for me during these situations, stabbed me in the back. Then a month later, it was June. Me and my sisters and my mother went to Europe for a trip. I was still severely depressed after my friend betrayed me, but I didn't tell anybody. I would fake being happy and acted as though everything was normal. Then my eldest sister noticed something was wrong with me and I remember I told her "I'm just exhausted and want to go home." She got upset with me and told me I was ruining my mother's birthday trip and it would've been better If I wasn't there. I wasn't too upset because she was right. I was in Europe and sulking around. However, she then told me I was acting like my father. My heart sank. In that moment, I have never felt so alone and disgusted with myself. If I was acting like my father that was abusive, toxic and ruined everyone, then I shouldn't even be here. A week later when we got home, I began to plan it out. My mother went back to work, I grabbed all the pills I could find, locked my door, grabbed a few pieces of paper and a pen. I played all the pills in front of me and began to write my letters to each of my sisters and my mother telling them how sorry I was but couldn't live anymore. I cried for hours writing my letters and wrote the names on the envelope for my parent to for my mother to find beside my body. After I finished my letters and cried, I grabbed my rosary. My favorite rosary. And I prayed. I prayed for God to forgive me for what I was about to do knowing nothing could make me turn back. I prayed for him to let my family know I loved them. And I prayed so hard that even though I was about to commit to suicide, please don't send me to hell because I was already living ins o much pain on earth. Once I finished praying and was about to put down my rosary, I felt a man hugging me from behind. His hug felt so comforting and full of love. I just remember kissing the side o9f my head, and whispering in my ear "You will be okay. Choose to live. You are loved. Everything will be okay." I remember I broke down crying and I hugged his arms around me. I could feel his arms and his chin resting on top of my head telling me how much I am loved and I'll be okay. He sat there with me for what felt like seconds but hours at the same time. After that moment, I tore the letters, put the pills back and prayed again to god. After that day it still took me seven more months to speak out about how I felt, but once I did, I felt god with me every step of the way. I am now seventeen and about to enter senior year of high school. I'm still building my bond with god and opening my heart to him, but I've never doubted him since.

Even today, I still feel his love and light through every obstacle I face.