Making Jesus Christ Lord Of My Life

I accepted Jesus Christ into my life as a young women in my early twenties, however, I hadn't truly received eternal life because I was living lukewarm, and at times, very sinfully. Throughout my life I have made six very real attempts to turn from my sin and walk a blameless life with Christ and as Christ did. Six times I failed. Jesus did not fail me! Before I received eternal life, I had accepted death. I had accepted all the lies the enemy had poured onto me for so long. I had accepted that God didn't need me anymore and therefore, though I knew he loved me, I had accepted the lie that he didn't even see me anymore. I accepted that demons were living through me and because I finally accepted my weaknesses, I completely let go of hope.

I believe the enemy plots and creates traps for each of us before we even take our first breath. For me, it was marijuana, entangled with the lies that it is natural, created by God and therefore, okay for me to partake in. At the age of twelve, the enemy lured me in, enticed me and began to drag me away from everything good, everything God. The first time I smoked was the first time I was arrested, and the first time that I felt the pain of breaking the heart and disappointing the one person I truly loved, respected and desired to make proud. My grandfather could barley look at me. I remember walking out into the lobby of the police station, my stomach turning like a raging ocean, the waves of shame colliding with my innocence and tainting everything good I was and had before that day. He barley spoke to me, but the anger in his face and the sadness in his eyes spoke loud enough. That summer, instead of grieving over my sin and the pain I caused, I fed thoughts to my desire to partake in that sin again. I didn't know how or when, but I knew if the opportunity presented it's self I would take it. By the time I started my freshmen year in high school the desire for that sin was on the back burner of my mind. I was excited to start my journey to adulthood, I was excited to take on responsibilities and to expand my knowledge both of the world and academically. However, just as God goes ahead of us to set our paths so did the enemy already have a trap set in that place for me. When the opportunity did arise, I completely ignored every gut feeling, every nerve that tingled with fear, every good thought that tried to redirect me, and I walked straight into the gates of death. The following twenty-five years of my life was one whirl-pool after another, a constant uproar of conflict, raging rollercoaster emotions, broken and toxic relationships. I struggled to find my identity. I settled for everything and longed for nothing except to stay high and float on cloud-nine for the rest of my life. I felt in control. I believed I was better then "those druggies" using meth, cocaine and other harsh intoxicants. I know better now, I was no better than any other sinner. Just as God knows how much of something we can handle, so does the enemy. My enemy knew marijuana was just enough to keep me a prisoner, anything more would have broken me quickly and swiftly carried my fearful little tail back into the arms of Jesus Christ. For years I fell in and out of love with both the world and God. I birthed three children outside of marriage and one inside a loving commitment. I married a great man with a heart that was actively pursuing God (and still is) but also running from his own demons. During that time I leaned on my marriage for the security, love and rest that I know now can only come from God. I was angry and vengeful when my husband couldn't fulfil my selfish desires, when he didn't move in sync with my worldly ways. I almost drove a ten year marriage into divorce. At one point I started to lose my oldest daughter to a world of lust and sinful pleasures. I was blind and deaf to the cries of my youngest daughter, until I discovered a multitude of old and fresh razor blade cuts covering the inside of her arms. Even the pleads for goodness and questions of love from my, at that time, youngest son, fell on deaf ears and into a garden of thorns. I was dead! I had a small amount of good fruit that I was desperately trying to salvage. I claimed Jesus as my Lord yet I never understood why I couldn't clearly hear him speaking to me.

I tasted His goodness during the times I abstained from marijuana. During my pregnancies and the first few months after each birth. During the two year period where I moved into a new town and knew absolutely no one except family members who did not approve of the kind of life I was living before. I call those times my prison syndrome experiences. For like a person in prison who has no access to the things that attributed to their downfall, I too sought the only refuge I knew existed, and it was good.

On several separate occasions, I made a purposeful and intentional choice to quit using marijuana and live the best I could in a manner that pleased God. I know now, those times were not in vain. God was conditioning my heart and mind for a time when the Holy Spirit would be able intercede and not be met with such resistance. For a time such as now. You may be asking yourself the same question I had to face myself. What makes this time any different than the others?

I heard an ordained man give his testimony of nearly dying and the opportunity it gave him to stand before God. His account of the experience was very profound and settled into my spirit as the truth, but there was one thing he recounted that really made me listen. He said that there was a moment when God allowed him to speak, and as he stood on the outside of the gates of heaven he explained how much he loved God, how he had served him with all of his heart, cared for his people and how he proclaimed Him to be his Lord. The man said that God told him, "you have called me Lord all your life, but you never truly made me Lord of your life.". That hit me like a shockwave after a nuclear explosion. It was then that a veil was lifted from the eyes of my heart. I understood clearly more of who Jesus Christ was, what he needed from me and how I could obtain all I need from Him. As much as I wanted in that moment to just run to his embrace and receive his freedom, the urgency to break free from my bondage was still tethered to the desire to satisfy my flesh, and I could feel the future regret and longing for the sin. So instead of jumping into waters I could only float in, I asked Jesus to teach me to swim.

As of today, I count myself as saved and free from bondage. I look back from here, as early as it is, and I can see how God has moved for me and through me. I see how he used the terrible and hurtful moments of my life to benefit my true life of living, my marriage and my children. I truly understand, with all my heart, the sacrifice Jesus made, for me, for you. I know that everyday is a new battle to fight, I understand the importance now of putting on the full armor of God and I am making an intentional choice to make Jesus Christ my Lord. Whenever I feel myself slipping from His embrace I simply remind myself of this, "He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemies, those who hated me and were too strong for me. They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress, but the Lord supported me. He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me." Psalm 18:16-19 NLT