June's personal testimony

I was broken. I had guilt, shame, emptiness, grief, regrets. I was lost and going to hell.

I don’t want to share my testimony, but I believe that God has laid it on my heart to share my journey and what he has done for me. I have been struggling with this for years. I am surrendering to Gods will. I hope it gives God glory and helps others. Luke 8:39 “Return home and tell how much God has done for you.” So, the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him. I feared what others would think of me and I read this verse. Isaiah 51:7 “Here me, you who know what is right, you people who have taken my instruction to heart: Do not fear the reproach of mere mortals or be terrified by their insults. There was a time in my life that I was hopeless, selfish, guilty, angry, broken, empty, and depressed. Then I met Jesus and received grace, mercy, forgiveness, hope. Love. Joy, peace, and contentment. He has blessed me more than I could ask for. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. Life still has its troubles and pain, but the Bible verse “Yet I am never alone, for the Father is always with me” appears in John 16:32 I was the youngest of five children. My mom was a single parent and had to work to take care of us. As early as four years old I was curious about God. I rode the neighborhood church bus to get a bible. My mom met my stepdad when I was five after this we were moving out of state and we had a car wreck and lost everything, so I know longer had that bible. When we were settled in our new place, we were shopping, and I begged my mom to buy me another bible. She did and I still have that one. I would talk to God and try to read my bible; however, I didn’t understand it. I attended church on occasion with other people. I had no sense of direction and no guidance in my life. My siblings were older, and I just had two sisters left at home with me until around age eleven. I was sexually assaulted as a young girl. I had an abortion in my teens. I didn’t understand what I was doing. This choice that I had made and action I followed through with devastated me. I met the enemy that day and it scared me beyond what I can write. I was told that I was suicidal after. I don’t remember. John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full. The bible says that the devil is a liar and the father of lies John 8:44 Regret and shame weighed me down. I was telling myself that I was unworthy and could not be redeemed. I began reading God’s word once again and still couldn’t understand it. I tried to live right by my strength, and I couldn’t do it. I was not happy. I drowned out the noise of my life by drinking and partying. I was on a path of destruction and on my way to hell. I hated myself and had tremendous guilt. I believed that I was unworthy of God’s forgiveness and that I could never be good enough. I married at twenty-two and had my first son. I was so happy, but I wasn’t living a good life. I did seek God’s wisdom at this time, but still lacked understanding and didn’t have guidance. At thirty-one I was pregnant with my daughter, and she died in my seventh month of pregnancy. I was devastated, lost, broken, and empty. I had to wait to go into labor, which was three days. I had never felt this much pain, there wasn’t anyone who could help me. I was broken and empty. I prayed, screamed, cried, and read my bible. I could not read enough of God’s word. I read and prayed all day every day. John 8:12 “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life.” I asked Jesus to help me. I needed to know where my daughter went so that I might see her someday. I asked Jesus to show me the way. He began showing me things. I recommend reading 2 Samuel 12:14-31 about David’s sin and God taking his son, however I am only going to put verse 23 here. But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” This verse gave me hope of seeing my daughter again. I blamed myself. My husband had to handle all the funeral arrangements because I was not able to. Him and my mom went to the funeral home to pick out the casket and plan the funeral. When they arrived back at the house they were telling me about Jeff at the funeral home. I don’t remember all that they had told me, but they were glowing with hope. I do remember them telling me about how Jeff spoke and how they were touched by his words. I told them that they had been with the Holy Spirit. Jeff was just the vessel. I went into labor on October 26th and went to the hospital and delivered my daughter. They tried to get me to take something for pain, but I refused because I wanted to remember. When I delivered my daughter Kaci Renee Wilson I believe I saw an angel and she told me that she had to take her and that she was with God. That night in the hospital I stayed up all night reading my bible. When I was back at home and alone, I cried, prayed, and read God’s word. I prayed the sinner’s prayer that I saw on the television. I felt the Holy Spirit come to me; He comforted me. He gave me hope and began changing me. Our marriage was in trouble because my husband worked a lot, and I was alone. A friend of his at his job recommended counseling at a church near us. We began going and we both surrendered to God. About a month later at the funeral home they had where families could come and put a dove on the Christmas tree for their loved one. We went and my husband and my mom wanted me to meet Jeff. I met him and this man was not anything like they had described to me. He didn’t speak well. They both said, “he is different.” I told them that is because The Holy Spirit had spoken through this man the night, they sat with him to plan our daughter’s funeral. Matthew 10:20 “For it is not ye that speak, but the Spirit of your Father who speak in you.” Life was still difficult however I didn’t face it alone. Jesus promised to never leave me or forsake me in Hebrew 13. Storms began brewing in 2009. My husband was laid off from work and the only way we made it through that was God. The coming years were going to prove to be difficult. In 2011 my brother died by suicide. In 2012 I lost my stepdad who was the only dad I knew. In 2013 I had a sister die by suicide. Not long after that my husband was in a car wreck that nearly left him paralyzed and caused many health issues that led to surgery, strokes, seizures, and brain damage. God got us through that. I felt we would lose more in my family to suicide. We did in 2015. My oldest sister died by suicide. I took my eyes off God at this point and felt dead inside. I hurt so badly for my mom. I didn’t understand. I was messed up. One of my brother’s sons followed him in 2020. My husband’s health was a huge concern. Matthew 14:22-33 describes the event where Jesus walks on water. After feeding the 5,000, Jesus sends His disciples ahead in a boat while He goes to pray alone. Later, He walks on the water towards them, and they are terrified, thinking He is a ghost. Peter asks to walk on water too, but when he sees the wind, he begins to sink. Jesus saves him and questions his doubt. When they get into the boat, the wind ceases, and the disciples worship Him, acknowledging Him as the Son of God. This was me during this time in my life. I took my mind off Jesus. I focused on my problems and others who let me down. I was drowning. Then in 2023 I lost my mom, and I was broken. The pain was unbearable. I had so many regrets and guilt. I hadn’t even realized that I had been away from God for eight long years. I prayed but felt nothing. I would try to read his words, and I couldn’t concentrate or focus. I was scared. I knew that I couldn’t stay on the path I was on. I knew what Jesus had done for me and my family in the past, and I needed him every second of every day. Me and my husband had gone to Arkansas to see The Passion. We really enjoyed the play and was discussing afterwards about being in the wilderness for so long and not feeling God. He said that we needed to discipline ourselves by reading and praying. This made an impact on me and even though I struggled I began reading and praying. My grown sons and daughter-in-law were in God’s word. I cried a lot, and I asked for forgiveness and help from God. I started seeing cracks and began noticing God in me again. I found love again. I found some joy, peace, and contentment. I began doing things that I hadn’t done in years. It is easy to trust when life is going well, but real faith is trusting when things are uncertain. We are challenged to put faith over fear, peace over anxiety, and trust over doubt. God’s grace and mercy are incredible. I love Jesus. I need Jesus. I want Jesus. I owe Jesus my life. I want others to see Jesus in me. The glory is his. Without him I am nothing. I tried my way and that was horrible. I want his will in my life and not my own. Lamentations 3:22-23 “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” God has given me heart for the lost. I pray that this may help others.

I found Jesus Christ and I was being transformed.

I am never alone. Jesus promised to never leave me.

My hope in this life and the after is in Jesus. I want to see him face to face.

If I died today, I would be with Jesus.