Journey to Purpose and Peace

Before I found eternal life I wrestled with anger at God as well as an emptiness and lack of purpose. I had many insecurities and fairly low self esteem.

I grew up in a wonderful home with a Leave it to Beaver household with two amazing parents and a younger sister. Though our immediate family was small, our extended was quite large and very close. My dad was one of ten and my mom one of four but she was from Italy so all cousins, whether first or fifth, were family and we were all close. My family was Catholic but aside from the mandatory catechism class we only attended church on Easter and Christmas. Everyone believed IN God, and I saw great faith in my grandmothers, but other than that, not much was said. Life was for all intents and purposes wonderful. But, I remember one night watching TV as my dad came home. My mom, a teacher, had come home from school, rested 20 minutes, set about making dinner and then went back to work in our home den. My dad came home just before dinner time. I remember it was dark already when he got home, though it was likely only 5:30 pm. This was our routine. I just remember thinking, "There has got to be more to life than this." In 7th grade, my uncle whom I was very close to, died of cancer just before his 32 birthday. This wasn't my first experience with lost but it was the hardest and I was exceptionally angry. I was angry with God and while I would always believe He existed, I was angry with Him and wanted little to do with Him, except to continue to pray that no one else in my life would die. (This prayer was never answered as an average of 3 people per year would pass.) As a child I was quite shy until I changed schools in the 4th grade and met some new people and found my voice. I gave the appearance of confidence, and in many areas was, but I had many insecurities over friendships. I never felt like I was very important to anyone other than my family. I felt left out of events and activities, even amongst close friends. My parents were very good parents and each stage in life was well known to me and I followed each stage and did well. I finished high school, then college. I had friends and boyfriends but still never felt totally accepted. Never felt complete happiness or acceptance unless I was with family. A few months after college graduation, just before I was to start a new job, on September 7th, 2001, we received news that a very close friend of ours that we grew up with on the same street, my sisters very best friend, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 19. I think I was too numb to feel anything, even anger. 4 days later at his funeral I heard the priest pray for people in towers. I was angry. Who cared about anyone else at that moment? I had no idea the magnitude of what had happened. As we arrived at the cemetery a friend who had been listening to the radio shared the news. Over lunch later with close friends we discovered that one of our friends worked for the Pentagon but felt strongly that he had needed to come home for the funeral that day, despite others saying it was okay if didn't. Coming home may have saved his life. They said God must have been the one tugging at his heart to come home. It was a peaceful notion for a moment but as I watched footage from the day and thought about all those lives lost and my friend gone so young and my uncle gone so young and all the others who were gone too soon, my anger just boiled and boiled. I called a friend whose family I knew were very strong Christians and told them I was coming over for them to explain it all to me. When I arrived they said they could not explain it all but they could pray. The family laid their hands on me and prayed over me, which was a new experience for me. But instantly an incredible peace began to descend on me and all of my anger was completely gone. I had not yet given my life to Christ. I did not yet at this point have eternal life but the lack of anger was nice. Pieces of my life started to come together so perfectly, though it took time for me to realize it. Just like when doing a puzzle. The pieces come together but it isn't until most of it is together that you see the big picture, and while you're in the process of completing it there are many frustrating moments as you fail to see the bigger picture. Over the next few years I left my job and went to school to become a special education teacher, (a career I always said I didn't want), and eventually found myself working at a school a few hours away as I pursued a dead end long term relationship I had been in. I was working for what I felt like was the worst principal in the world. I was stressed to the max, which was not typical for me. I was depressed beyond anything I have ever experienced and if I felt there was little purpose to life before now I really didn't see one. I wasn't suicidal but I really just didn't want to do anything but watch TV, read a book or be with family (essentially, live vicariously through the lives of others). Throughout this time many people reached out to me to share with me about God and encourage me to attend their church. I was open at this point so I went here and there but nothing really resonated with me. One day while at a bar for Trivia night, clear as day I had a thought, or heard a voice in my head, but it was clear. "Hawaii needs teachers. Move to Hawaii." I remember looking at my boyfriend and telling him "Hawaii needs teachers. I'm moving to Hawaii." Then I turned to my roommate and told her the same. And then I called my parents and told them. Within three months I had a job there and within six months I was there. No one believed I'd go but I just knew that I knew that I knew that I had to go. Before I left, one beautiful young girl who had begun teaching at my school that year let it be known that she was leaving the following year to become a nun. I couldn't believe it. A NUN! She was going to dedicate her life to God and His work. I had a cousin who was a nun but she was much, much older. I didn't know any young and pretty ones. It really spoke to me that maybe there was something more to God if she was willing to give her life to Him at such a young age. I had shared with her my experiences with God and that I only prayed that God would not take any more people from me bc if only one prayer would be answered I wanted that to be it. She shared with me that God wanted to be my best friend and He wanted me to pray about EVERYTHING. He wanted a relationship with me. I found that hard to believe but I decided to test it out and one day while speeding I prayed that I wouldn't get a ticket. I immediately felt that was dumb to pray about when I could just slow down but before I could slow down a cop passed me while I was going quite a bit over the limit. I felt God speak to my heart saying He heard me and He cared. (I have gotten tickets since then. God meets you where you're at but He doesn't continue to let you get away with sin!) I left for Hawaii more open to God than ever but still not committed. My first year there was so much fun. I made a conscience effort to not watch tv and to go out with friends whenever asked. I made closer friends than I ever had before who all had similar personalities and interests to mine. I felt more at home than ever but I also found myself engaging in behaviors that I had avoided in high school and college. Apparently, once the peer pressure was REMOVED was when I felt free to do as I pleased, which definitely didn't line up with what pleased God but I still didn't really know him and I certainly wasn't living for him.

During this time I met a pastor while he was prayer walking our school. He was quite nice but I didn't think much about it. The following year God placed his daughter in my class. This amazing pastor continued to invest time in me, while at the same time I went through a huge heartbreaking relationship situation. God was working in me on the one front while the pastor was mentoring me on the other. I attended the ALPHA course for the free meal and the distraction and while I was there God continued to really minister to my heart and at one point when asked if we wanted prayer to receive the Holy Spirit I thought "Heck NO!" as the Holy Spirit whipped my arm/hand up in the air. It was a crazy experience. I prayed and received eternal life and the presence of the Holy Spirit and my life has never been the same.

Almost immediately after receiving eternal life my eyes were opened to how God had been working through my life since that prayer on 9/11. I also almost immediately stopped feeling like I wasn't good enough. I realized that being loved by God and being "nice" were good enough. God then also started working through me systematically delivering me THROUGH all of my fears. I started seeing how God has a plan for me and a purpose. His plans and His purpose are for His glory and I only need to stay in tune with Him for each step. I don't need everything planned out in advance.

For example, two fears I always had involved swimming and dancing. Well swimming wasn't so much of a fear but I didn't know how to swim and I didn't enjoy the water (and I lived in Hawaii so this was kinda a big deal). I was also deathly afraid of dancing in front of anyone. My body just really didn't seem to have any rhythm. During this time period I signed up for a Triathlon race and trained every other day for it with a group. On off days a friend of mine convinced me to sign up for pole dancing classes. I was petrified but felt I was supposed to continue with the classes and took them every off day from Triathlon training. It was the craziest core strengthening workout I've ever experienced and God helped my persevere through the discomfort. Due to the triathlon training schedule I couldn't attend my regular church and began attending service closer to our training venue after it was completed on Sundays. My pastor kept asking me if I was Sure that God was calling me to all of this. I couldn't explain it but I was sure that this was what I was supposed to be doing. I KNEW that God was preparing me for something but I had no idea what. A few months later just as summer break was ending I received a call from my principal (total contrast to that principal in NY. This one was the best I ever worked for.) She needed to change my class assignment. Instead of teaching preschool she needed me to teach the fully self contained classroom grade K-2. I was going to have three kids in wheel chairs that would need to be lifted, one child who was quite overweight and had a habit of just sitting down when she was tired and needing help to get back up and another child who often needed to be restrained. This was what God had been preparing me for. Without those classes I would never have been physically capable of what she needed me to do. Additionally, the sermon series that was going on at the church I attended during this time was full of lessons that I have taken with me every day of my life since then. It really revealed to me that God has a plan and a purpose. I only need to listen and follow and obey and He will take care of the rest. For the first time I really felt a purpose in my life.

I thought that just finding a purpose was what I needed but even better than this, is knowing that without a doubt one day I will have eternal life in Heaven with Jesus. Not only have my earthly fears been removed but I also don't have to fear what life after death with be like. Jesus told us in the bible "I have written these things so that you may know you have eternal life." And that knowledge brings such great, great peace.