I follow Faith

I was an agnostic for a very long time. I avoided following Christ because I didn’t want to get caught in cults. I didn’t want to be labeled as a crazy person. There were times God was calling me but I rejected His calls so many times. The moment I chose not to follow God, my path went dark. I was facing so many obstacles and challenges in my life. I was involved in 3 mobile accidents during my childhood. I was locked up in a psychiatric ward for postpartum depression. I lost sole custody of my kids after the divorce from my first marriage. I was raped twice on two different occasions. I was sexually harassed at my job. I always had bad trips when I consumed party drugs. For example, I took acids at EDC in 2011. It was my first time attending a rave event and taking drugs. Acids started kicking in before we reached the checkpoint at the entrance. I decided to go on a ride with a friend. From there, the world flipped 180 degrees. It went from a happy vibe to hell. I started seeing tiny skulls on the ground, fire fuming all over the place, skeletons looking on many faces, and I thought my husband Alex (who was a boyfriend at the time) made out with our friend behind my back. At that point, I realized I was not in a good place. That’s just one good memory of hell I can remember. Alex and I were stranded in the mountains at night during our first hiking trip. I was stranded in the desert but somehow a stranger gave me a lift home. I knew God sent someone to save me. Yet, I didn’t blame God for putting me in those situations or questioning why He wasn’t there. I chose to ignore His calls. I chose those bad decisions. This is why I could relate to the story of Job. With Job, he was being tested and yet he still had faith in God. For me, whatever that happened to me, I didn’t blame God.

I believe God finds a mysterious way to bring His children to Him. I met God and He wanted me to start having faith in Him… In pre-spring 2006, I was about 8 months pregnant with my second child. I was in labor all night and had to pay a visit to the ER the next morning. Contractions were getting stronger and longer. I was sent to a private room to change into a gown. I noticed I was bleeding and I knew something wasn’t wrong. I went to lie down on the bed. OB doctors and nurses rushed into the room to do blood work and ultrasound. I was scared. The OB doctor yelled out to rush to the operation room because she witnessed my daughter being strangled by an umbilical cord. I was put to sleep before the emergency C-section started. During that time, my dream was as surreal as I can remember to this day. I was sitting next to God on His left side. I remember there was a big round table with all of my favorite foods laid out. I remember He was sitting on His big throne. He was wearing a long white gown. His long wavy grayish-white hair was flowing. Unfortunately, His face was blurred. I was gazing over the foods He provided for me because I was blown away to see how God knew what I love to eat. I could sense Him smiling at me. That moment was so quiet and so peaceful.

Before I declared myself to be a follower of Christ, I knew God was saving me many times even when I was ignoring His call. I could’ve been killed, kidnapped, or shot but God saved me. I started praying in late 2021 with no knowledge of how to pray. I started reading the Bible in May 2022 because I had to know and understand God. I finished reading the Bible for the first time in February 2023. I started reading again in that same month and year. I was searching for the right church to attend. My husband and I found Grace Bible church in our community and we love it. We got baptized in April 2023. Every day I feel closer to God. I know He loves me unconditionally. I think back many times and remember that dream. I realized that I had to know God at some point. I knew just praying to Him daily wasn’t enough. I started asking questions about God and decided to read the Bible to understand Him. To this day, I am still learning and communicating with Him. I know He’s there listening to my prayers. I know He’s there with me during my trials. I know He loves me. After the loss of my sister’s life, I became closer to God because I wanted to understand what happens when people die. I was trying to find answers from my brothers and sisters. I know my brothers and sisters were trying to reassure me by letting me know she was in good hands when I know she was not. I knew my sister was not a believer in Christ nor had faith in her life. I was struggling with the knowledge of her being in Hell. I wanted to believe that she was in Heaven with Jesus but I knew the harsh truth. I was struggling with that pain. I still pray for her to have peace after death because I knew she was experiencing pain during her chemotherapy. I knew having pancreatic cancer can be so painful and unbearable. Only time will tell. Because of her death, I want to plant seeds in my Buddhist family so they can be in heaven. I pray for that.

After accepting Christ as my Savior and having faith, my life has changed dramatically. God hears my prayers and He answers them. I am very assured that I am not abandoned nor forsaken by Him. I can feel my heavy weight being lifted. I am very blessed and at peace when I talk to Him. Every day I feel closer to Him. I know He sends Holy Spirit to guard me when I face my enemies, sins, and midst of troubles. I can tell you God sees everything. There’s no secret here.

Before I was struggling to define faith, one night, my husband Alex was in the midst of trouble at his previous job as a store clerk at a liquor store in a bad neighborhood. He texted me at 1:00 am to ask me what I was up to and I responded to let him know I was waiting for him to be home. He didn’t respond so I called him. He didn’t pick up my call and I knew something wasn’t right. I texted and called him a few more times. Normally he would be home by 1:30 am but it was past 2:00 am. I started to panic and thought about the worst case scenarios. Something was telling me to head out to find him. I ordered an Uber ride and thankfully there was an available driver in my community. Normally Uber and Lyft services are out of service after midnight. With my iPhone having a low battery with no portable charger available, I rushed to leave the house and got into an Uber ride. I was stressing out as the driver was driving. He tried to console me that everything is okay. Once we arrived at the workplace, I saw Alex’s SUV parked at the corner. I got out of the Uber and asked the driver to wait for me in case I needed a ride back home. He kindly said that he would wait for me. I ran to check the SUV but there was no sign of Alex. I saw a couple of people in the car so I ran to them before they rolled up the window. I asked them if they had seen Alex anywhere but they didn’t see him. I looked around and went to one of the next-door businesses which was the pool hall. The pool hall looked sketchy and shady because they had newspapers covering the windows and door. I took the risk and knocked on the door hard because they had loud music in the background. I heard voices so I assumed Alex would be in there. I kept knocking loud until someone flipped the newspaper over to check who was knocking. At first, a woman saw me and ignored me so I kept knocking. A few minutes later, she told me to walk to the back alley to enter the pool hall. The back alley was very dark and sketchy. Anything could happen to me there. I rushed to the back alley and saw Alex being cornered on the seat with two tall men standing next to him. I walked up to him and started questioning him about why he didn’t answer my calls and texts. Two tall men stepped back. Alex and I walked quickly to our SUV but one tall man followed us. I looked back and stared at him until he stopped and turned away. We both got in the SUV and drove away. Alex was thanking me for rescuing him from that situation but I was confused about the situation. As we arrived home, we hugged. He started telling me about how he was being ambushed by random people, people were blocking him from leaving the area, begging him for gas money. Then he got ambushed by people from the pool hall, trying to recruit him to be part of their illegal activities. He felt trapped and didn’t want to upset them. I felt so relieved that I went to rescue him and had faith in going there. I felt God sent me to get Alex and was protecting me. That’s when I realized what faith means.

I am not perfect and there are some things that I need to work on myself. I do know that I am loved by my Savior. I know that as long as I repent of my sins, I will be forgiven. I am at peace to know Jesus died for my sins. I am happy to know God hears me every time I call to Him.