How I ruined my own life...

I was raised in the church, had Christian parents and even worked as a church camp counselor. I met my husband when I was 20 and little by little my relationship with God dwindled. I still believed in God but rarely if even prayed, never went to church and was utterly awful reliant. After 15 years I was to the point where I felt like every year was worse than before... I blamed my husband for everything. You could give me any problem in our life and I could show you in 5 different ways how it was his fault. It was my crutch, blaming him kept the focus off me. I was a workaholic, working all the time gave me the best reason to miss family things, be a terrible friend and a “c+ mom” I didn’t take the time to enjoy my kids, my husband or my life for that matter. All I saw was a giant pile of responsibility and loved the pity I got from others because I had to work so much. I loved it that people were worried about me. The winter of 2018 was the worst time of my life. My step daughter had moved into her moms house which I of course blamed on my husband, and I was working 60+ hours per week. I did everything I could to make my husband feel bad. I ignored him, I wanted him to feel as bad as I did. One morning I remember it clear as day I decided to have an affair. I had played with the idea in my head ( remember that is where the devil begins is with an idea) I couldn’t find anyone to pay attention to me. I’m not an unattractive person so I found that very frustrating. Looking back I know that was God trying to protect me. But in my self reliant nature I figured it out on my own. I joined Ashley Madison. At first it was just going to be for a weekend... just for some attention but then it kept going. The worst part is that I remember the very morning that I turned from God... it was in the parking lot before work on day. I remembered thinking what could’ve the consequences?? I didn’t think that I wanted to be married to my husband anyways so I jumped in. I talked to a man that I knew was married... he wasn’t as committed to talking to me as I wanted and it only fueled my desire. After taking off and on for about 2 months we met for the first time. He wasn’t anything this I had imagined him. I wasn’t attracted to him in slightest bit... he wasn’t at all what I wanted and I knew it. Despite that I kept taking to him and keep meeting up with him. It was quick meetings in his car in parking lots (clash huh?) I don’t know honestly how many times we met up. It was a blur. I remember the last time that we met we actually made our- he didn’t have on deodorant... it was gross. That’s where I was, so desperate to find what was missing that I made out with a smelly married guy in a car in the parking lot of an old movie theater. The next afternoon I broke things off with him for good. Looking back it’s crazy the level of desperation I had gotten to. I told two friends about the affair... they both made it out to be no big deal. Just and FYI if a friend tells you they are having an affair that is a major cry for help... Don’t laugh don’t joke about it. Do everything you can to stop them!! My husband left me 2 me two months later after having an affair with a 29 year old. I was completely devastated. My world literally crumbled underneath me. My kids lives were shattered and I had no one to blame but myself. I didn’t eat I didn’t sleep and after a couple of months I came clean about my affair and my husband did as well. (There were other guys that I talked with online but nothing serious or more than small talk) It was a slippery slope that was so easy to get into but sooo hard to get out of. In my most desperate hour of rejection after my husband left I met up with a friend of a friend. He picked me up from a tractor supply parking lot and the plan was to go to have sex somewhere. I basically had to beg him to meet me... once again sooo desperate !! I will never forget the way he looked at me. It was like he picked up a juicy steak from the butcher and was about to toss it on the grill for dinner. By the grace of God he didn’t have a condom so we didn’t have sex but we did everything else. Afterwards I didn’t need feel anything... literally nothing but empty. He didn’t want to talk or hang out after that. He had lost all interest. This taught me a great lesson that I am still trying to learn. Attention from men is not going to help me and will be a never ending cycle. I needed what no boyfriend or hook up good ever give me. I needed healing... my heart needed to heal. I starting reading my Bible for the first time in my life... I started praying all day every day... I started making an active effort to not even look at other men... to not even entertain the thought. My husband has a girlfriend but we are trying to work things out. He also is going through his own storm. I still find myself looking to him for affirmation and my security. I working on how to find that from God and not a man. I realized that my whole life I’ve been looking for any mans approval and for them to love me. All along all I needed was the love from my Heavenly Father but that is still a struggle to this day. So long story short... don’t have an affair, stop your friends if you find out they are having an affair or even thinking about it. Don’t work your life away or hide from God. Make him the center of your life and pray all day every day. Please pray for my family, pray for my kids. Pray that God will put me where I need to be to serve him best. God is so good and his unfailing love is all we need. I wish someone would have stopped me from my own self Destruction. I wouldn’t have listened anyways.

Don’t have an affair and ver stop praying!!

I found God ... he taught me and is still teaching me everyday!!

I still struggle everyday... all I want is my life back. The life I thought I hated !

I appreciate life much more ... I see everything differently

God is the answer. Give up your struggle and let him lead you!!