God was tired of me doubting his love, he made things clear once and for all!!!!

A man is powerless to God's love.

I was growing up as a Catholic. I felt the grace of God many times. But never the less I was damaged. As a 9-year-old, my family moved to a different country. The country that was secretly intolerant to the Catholic faith. I was discriminated because of my nationality and religion. I was a loner. It was never super intense but the teasing was all ways present. That was the environment I grew up with. But year after year it was getting worse. I started to get harassed, abused, cursed at and confronted by many. I never expected a knight in shining armor to step in, but a simple "stop it" was none existent. There were only people that bullied me or the people that watched me getting bullied. I tried to stay strong but I had limits. I had very serious anxiety and had a medical condition which was slowly eating my life away. God pulled me out of many dark moments but something happened which transformed me. I finished school and tried to change but I had such low self-esteem and an extream hatred for myself. I felt like I was worthless. I could not look myself in a mirror because I was seeing a distorted, horrible monster. I did not want to borrow things from people like a pen or scissors because I felt unworthy to ask people for a favor, I felt like my presence lowers the quality in other people's life. A complete waste of space. These kind of things were going through my head. I can't say what made me that way because it was something that was growing within me for years for a number of reasons. I was struggling in college. I was also dealing with many more issues. I had enough. I felt numb and started shaking out of fear on the chair in my room. And that's when it happened. I totally did not expect it. I felt peace, I was calm and all the sudden I felt the warmth spreading within me. What is this? I went to confessions, I prayed but the truth was that I never really felt worthy of freedom. I counted every sin and mistake I did But at that moment it all just faded. Like the scene from the Bible when Jesus commanded the storm to calm. There was a storm in me and it just went away but that was not what shocked me the most, I felt love towards my self, I looked at my face and felt the light shining through me. It was like Jesus giving me a glimpse of how he sees me. It was such a phenomenal experience. I fell to my knees and started crying. I was powerless towards God's love. I felt like he was saying, I love you. That was probably the first time I truly understood and believed those words. The monster that I saw was gone, I looked at my raw face and I could not believe how happy I was to see myself. But it was not over yet. Oh boi it was not over yet. At our church, a priest visited our parish, I have no doubts that God send him to tell me something. At a confession, I said one of those childish sins I have done in the past. I confessed many times but this sin kept hunting me, on that day I decided to confess from this sin again, but this time I decided to be even more raw with it. I felt like wearing a paper bag over my head for the rest of my life. I felt so exposed and venerable, I thought to my self that this priest now will see how I saw my self. I don't remember everything he said but what he told me after, made my life a blur for a moment. He said that my sins are forgiven and that I don't have to confess about it again. But that was not what shattered me. As I was leaving, he turned to me and said words that I will never forget. "You are a very good person, people like you can become a saint, did you know that?" what he said completely put me off guard. I just exposed the darkest part of me and this guy says that I can become a saint? I laughed at first but then burst to tears. The mass was during confession but I could not join in, I went outside and sat on the floor weeping, I felt like that was something I wanted to hear since I was 7, it was so too good to be true that I really questioned myself how much I underestimated God, how much I underestimated his Love and power? But that crazy day was far from over. I didn't know why but I felt like I still wanted more. I went to the priest from our parish to talk to but he was busy talking with someone else, I saw the other priest from before that was still in a confession room, with an open door, sitting there like he was waiting for someone. I dashed through the corridor into the room and said: "can I ask a question?" The priest was so happy to see me and he told me to sit down and go for it. I said that I wanted to be closer to God, I asked him how can I do that? How can I serve him more? He looked at me and said "do you want to offer your life to Jesus" I was startled by the question but I solidly said yes. He said, so why don't we go together to the altar and then you can give your life to Jesus right now" I was confused by what was just happening but I said yes. We went to the altar and kneeled down. He said, "now tell God here and now what you want to tell him". I said a prayer and the priest confirmed my declaration, on that night, I gave my life to the Lord fully. I was completely transformed, people would tell me what happened because I become so beautiful all the sudden, my face was glowing, even my voice felt different. I became free. Life is not filled with roses but that's not the point. My self-hatred was crushed by the holy spirit.

Everyone that hurt me, abundant me and deceived me, even though I never got a sorry, I forgive them all. Each time I start falling again I just remember what the priest told me and all the sudden I gain strength. God saved me, he showed me he loves me in a most miraculous way.