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God protects and guides a troubled little girl into adulthood.

Imagine a 3 year old girl, sitting at the base of her father’s feet with her arms wrapped tightly around his legs, crying and pleading – “Daddy please don’t go!”, over and over as he pulls one leg away and drags his little girl on the floor as he makes his way to the door to abandon her, her Mother, and her Brother. The little girl on the floor crying as she watches her Daddy walk out and close the door in her face, time after time. As he closed that door, it opened up another door for that little girl. A door into hell. Her Daddy left her believing that she did something wrong to make him leave her and not want her. That began a mindset into a lifelong, downward habit forming spiral, of feeling unworthy, no good, bad, a failure, unable to achieve, not good enough, no self-esteem or self-worth, unlovable, and I could go on. “I” meaning I was that little girl. A little girl who was robbed of ever getting married and having a family of her own due to the permanent damage of being abandoned by her Daddy. Along with those developing negative mindsets was developing negative behaviors, and a developing depression, all of which developed into my identity at a very early age through adulthood. How is a little girl supposed to understand and process in her mind, her Father abandoning and divorcing her and the family for another woman, so that she could come to terms with it and understand it so her mind could develop normally and healthy? Not possible. So as anyone could imagine, I grew up believing no good man would ever want me or love me since my own Father didn’t and since I was so awful to cause my Dad to leave me. I was not worthy of ever having a good decent man. My relationships were failures due to me picking “unsavory” guys, since decent guys wouldn’t want me and I wasn’t deserving of them. I subconsciously sabotaged the relationships so I could be the one to break up first ensuring no man would ever be able to leave me again. Having built up anger from my Dad leaving me (us) for another woman caused me to be physically violent to men and receiving it in return. Therefore taking on alcohol at a young age that developed into a very hard core lifestyle of constant drowning in alcohol to mask the inner pain, confusion, and all the other negative emotions. I will omit all the horror stories of the dysfunctional lifestyle I led up to the age of 36 years old. Horror stories consistent with any little girl, abused and abandoned by her Father, evolving from a broken family, living with diagnosed manic depression to escalate to suicide attempts, and always surrounding myself around broken, misfit, rebels like I was. It’s not hard to imagine. For me, looking back on that first half of my life sorrows and pains me to the core. Sickens and shames me. But at the same time makes me proud because through all that, God was actually shaping me, molding me, and preparing me for His plan for me. Because of all that happened to me, and the lifestyle I led, it has prepared me to be able to help and understand others that are embarking on, or going through, or healing from that same life style. It has showed me that by my Dad abandoning us gave God the opportunity to work those things together for good, of my love for God, for His purpose for my life. (Romans 8:28 - And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. NKJV) God started the ball rolling in my life when I was that young little girl I spoke of. Blessed be the Holy Spirit for the neighbors down the road invited me to go to church with them and I went. I remember having a wonderful experience being with the kids in bible school class, and singing praise songs, and something very extraordinary happened. During the sermon, I was leaning forward against the pew and tucked my arms down in the slots that hold the hymnal books. My arms got stuck and I couldn’t pull them out. It started to hurt and I became scared and of course the commotion interrupted the service. The pastor asked what was wrong and after being told, he asked everyone to bow their heads and pray. He said a quick little prayer to our Heavenly Father for my arms to be loosened and come out. My arms instantly were not stuck at all and there was room and I pulled them out! As a little kid, that made a big impact, and …started the ball rolling. As my years progressed, with the problems and behaviors, God was always there helping things along the way. My Mom raised my brother and me, as a single parent, in the house my Dad abandoned us in. She did an excellent job trying to counteract all the damage in our world evolving and taking place as we struggled on. My Grandma and Grandpa lived a couple blocks away and played an important role in our lives as well. My Grandma was a true Christian and at a young age, I began going to church with her on Sundays. I remember always having a feeling like God and I were connected. Like I always knew Him. I knew He was good, and my savior. So I was a believer and loved God. Through the years I would go through times when I would stray from going to church with Gram. So on 2 different planes, simultaneously, I was living a very sinful life, but yet would go to church and praise to God at times. The Holy Spirit would not leave me or forsake me. (Deuteronomy 31:8 – And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear or be dismayed. NKJV) I decided to get baptized as I felt a calling from God. Looking back on my life, many things happened that I should not be alive to this day. And of those times, I know it was God’s divine intervention that saved me. (Psalm 91:11 – For He will command His Angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; NKJV) Every day the abandonment from my Dad slaps me in the face as I continue to struggle on with no children, family or a loving husband, the manic depression that started from all of this, and the permanent scars from no professional healing from when he walked out. But yet, I have forgiven him. (Matthew 6:14-15 "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." NKJV) Just like Joseph (Genesis 37-48) came to understand that it was God’s Will for him to be sold into slavery by his Brothers, causing all the bad things in his life to happen, which actually brought about good things, as per God’s will, just to be reunited to them later with forgiveness. I see parallels in Joseph’s story and mine. As of the last 10 years, I have become closer to God in my faith than ever before despite the deep dark battle of depression I struggle with worse than ever. I have gone through the most traumatic experience of my life that trust me, I should not have lived through at all, but yet still, God lives in me and is right by my side every step of my way in life, guiding me to achieve His plan for me. Our relationship grows and strengthens every day as He answers my prayers, richly blesses me, takes perfect care of me, and gives me every reason to fully trust Him as I study His Word. (Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. NKJV)

Michelle MillerMissouri, United States · 1 min read