From the Edge of a Balcony Into God's Loving Embrace

Before I received the gift of eternal life, I lived a life of hopelessness and depression.

So there I stood, on the balcony of an ocean front hotel looking at the last sight I planned to see. It was to be one last bit of semi-enjoyment from what I had perceived as a failed life. The plan was simple…..just wait until the sun went down, then slowly fall to the waiting cement below. The stars in the clear night sky and the sound of the ocean waves would be the last thing my senses would experience.

Changing my earthly life became essential to securing my eternal life

Now that I have eternal life, all I want to do is show others the love and power Christ can bring to their lives.

The day I planned to die was what most would call the perfect after summer beach day. The sky was clear, the temperature was in the mid-70s and there was a light breeze coming off the ocean. Like is said, for most, it would have been called paradise….for me, it was simply the final scene for a life long battle. You see, since high school, I had battled with severe depression. It was time to end the battle in my mind, because the fight was over. The darkness which had fogged over my mind had won, and I had no more strength left to fight. So now it was time to left the fog take it’s victory trophy, Now many people think simply that this is simply an excuse, a way out for some of my actions. This could not be further from the truth. People who have never battled with depression have no idea what it is like to live with it on a daily basis. Yes, I was able to hide it well, and always simply said to myself “It is not a big deal, I can live with it without any help.” However, that is not the case. I eventually lost touch with reality and could not face my life anymore. The thing a majority of people who do not have to deal with this condition do not understand is that you always feel isolated, hopeless and unwanted by anyone you are around. I could be standing in the middle of a room with 200 people and feel invisible and insignificant. I would go to work, then come home and shut myself off from everyone. This was not because I was unsocial, it was because I did not feel worthy enough to be around anyone. This is what severe depression does to your mind. It makes you believe no one cares or wants to be around you. The previous year, I had made the worst decision of my professional life, which not only helped precipitate the downfall of a reputation I had cultivated for 20 years. But more importantly, the decision caused me to cowardly destroy the relationship with my one and only true friend here on earth. So there I stood, on the balcony of an ocean front hotel looking at the last sight I planned to see. It was to be one last bit of semi-enjoyment from what I had perceived as a failed life. The plan was simple…..just wait until the sun went down, then slowly fall to the waiting cement below. The stars in the clear night sky and the sound of the ocean waves would be the last thing my senses would experience. But sometimes God makes other plans. You see, I only wanted to hurt myself, no one else. (Yes I know painfully aware now of impact my actions would have had on those close to me). So when I looked down at what was supposed to be an empty pool area in the middle of the night to see a large of group of people gathered. I was irritated. How could they so carelessly wreck my demise by taking away this moment from me? I sat on the chair of the balcony with a determination to wait them out. As I said, God has a way of sometimes dropping his will on your head like one of those ACME anvils the Road Runner is so fond of….because I fell asleep. Fine, I thought as I woke up the sunrise, not taking the time to really appreciate the gorgeous creation of the Lord. I will simply wait until the next night and go through my plan. Apparently the first anvil was not heavy enough, because sure enough, the group was back the next night, laughing and having a good time as I stewed in my own misery. And then a funny thing happened. No it was not a bright light from the heavens or a deep booming voice in my ears. It was simply a small thought which had never broken through the deep wall of depression formed in my mind. You see, one other thing which this nasty disease gives you is a deep selfishness. It takes away any notion that you matter or are cared about by anyone, so you are led to believe that not living will be better for everyone you know. For the briefest moment, that part of the disease of lifted from me, and I thought about my parents, my friend back home who I had wronged, my brother and his wife, and for the quickest of moments, saw what my plan would do to them. This was a sobering image which made me completely break down. For the first time, I saw the pain and carnage my actions through my life had been put upon them. The selfishness was stripped away and I was ashamed. But I still had not turned to Jesus to help me. You see, for years I had always considered myself a Christian. Although I did not go to church on a regular basis or read the Bible daily, I did believe there was a God and believed in the crucifixion. I simply thought that was enough. It was not until I went away did I realize that I truly was the ultimate casual Christian. I was a Christian when it was convenient for me. I wore the cross necklace, did not drink or do drugs and kept as “moral” as I possibly could. But in the process I was just fooling myself. Once I was able to really sit down and speak with a pastor heart to heart, I realized what a terrible un-Christian life I had been leading. Even though I was not committing adultery or murder, I was still not following the ways of the Bible like I was supposed too. So you may say to yourself “I am leading a good and quality life. I am an honest person and don’t commit anything but minor sins.” That was my thinking, until one day I read this passage which completely changed my outlook on what it means to be a Christian what what God wants from us as we live hear on earth: Philippians 4:8 NIV Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Pause for a moment to think about the above verse and than ask yourself if you are doing this? Are you truly committing yourself to things which are good and heavenly? If you answer yes, then I have a challenge for you to really be honest with yourself to see if you are just a casual Christian like I was or a full blown witness for our Lord and Savior. Consider the following and how they apply to your own life, because these are the things I realized I need to change in my life (along with a multiple of other aspects of the way I was living):

If I were to pass away right now, I am secure in the knowledge that since accepting Jesus into my heart, I will be in heaven bound.