From man to man in search of acceptance...only to find that HE was waiting for me all along.

Plagued by low self-esteem which led to a very promiscuous lifestyle.

I desperately searched for someone to accept me, to find me worthy, to love me. I thought the answer to all my problems was finding a man...any man. Because my insecurities stood out so visibly to men, most were not interested in "dating" me. They were, however, interested in sleeping with me. I found it easy to meet men online, using internet chatrooms. The problem was, it seemed like the only men interested in meeting me were married. I ended up with a whole lot of brief encounters, men using me for their momentary satisfaction and then disappearing. In a two-year span, I must have met close to 50 men. Never once did anybody take me out on a date. No movies, no dinner or dancing...just meeting me at my apartment and leaving a couple of hours later. I felt attractive and wanted for those few brief moments, but when they'd leave, I was there all by myself, alone with my shame. I felt empty, used up, and mostly, I felt dirty. Why doesn't anyone love me? Why won't anybody give me a chance?

After years of feeling worn out and used up, I just couldn't live with myself anymore. The heavy burden of shame and uncleanliness weighed heavily on me. At the encouragement of my sister, who was a new believer, I tried seeking out a local church to attend. I had never gone to church a day in my life, so I was quite nervous. Would I even fit in? I found a church that looked pretty from the outside, very inviting. I got dressed up and headed in to the Sunday service. I met a nice looking elderly couple at the door, passing out programs. They smiled and asked if this was my first visit to their church. I was anxious for their acceptance and I excitely answered, "Yes! It's actually my first time at church, EVER!" The smiles instantly dropped from their faces and they very dryly said, "Oh. Well, enjoy the service." Instantly, that dirty feeling came over me like a wave. Rejected...again. As much as I wanted to give up, I kept feeling a strong push to just try again. I decided to try church one more time and found a different one, closer to my home. I saw a sign for a Wednesday night Bible Study. I thought perhaps the people would be more accepting if I just went to learn instead of in a formal church setting. When I walked in, two people greeted me with the biggest smiles I have ever seen! Two others came up and hugged me! Everyone introduced themselves and went on and on about how thrilled they were to have a new person join in their study. They jokingly argued about who was going to get to sit by the "new girl." They truly made me feel like I was an old friend or a family member dropping by to visit. It made me want to come back again.....and I did. I went every Wednesday for three weeks and was finally brave enough to attend a church service. Then another service the following Sunday. It was on that day, Februrary 22, 2004 that I gave my life to the Lord Jesus Christ.

Since that time, my life has been completely transformed. I have remained celebate for 10 years and have discovered the true love I have been searching for my entire life. I found that love in the only man who could ever love me the way I so desperately needed.....that man is Jesus Christ.

The dirty feeling that had plagued me for so many years was washed clean. When I look in the mirror, I no longer see someone desperate for attenion and affection. I see someone who the God of the entire universe thought was important enough to reach down and pull out of a dark pit. ME....I was THAT important to God Himself! He chose me, He knew my name, He wasn't ashamed of me....He just wanted to love me and fill my soul after so many years of it being lifeless and empty. If the Lord chooses for me a life of singleness, He promises to be my spouse. Isaiah 54:5-8 says, ""For your husband is your Maker, Whose name is the LORD of hosts; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth. "For the LORD has called you, Like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit, Even like a wife of one's youth when she is rejected," Says your God. "For a brief moment I forsook you, But with great compassion I will gather you. "In an outburst of anger I hid My face from you for a moment, But with everlasting lovingkindness I will have compassion on you," Says the LORD your Redeemer.

With all confidence, I can face my future because it is now filled with hope and promise. The Lord has never once left my side. I have still struggled through storms in my life, but this time, I was not alone. No matter how tough things can get, I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me, guiding me, counseling me, protecting me, and assuring me of my worth in Christ Jesus. I also have a church family that loves me and accepts me, in spite of my past. I know that after I draw my final breath upon this earth, I will immediately be in the presence of my loving and merciful God. No matter how great your sin, you are NEVER too far for God's loving hands to reach.