From Lost to Saved

Before I accepted Christ I was in a very bad place in my late adolescent life, one concept is not enough to describe it.

I had grown up in a Christian household with my father my mother and my brother. I had been taught all of my life about different things pertaining to the bible and was taught to love and trust on Jesus. But I guess I never really took it too seriously. Later on in my late childhood to early adolescence, I was beginning to become depressed. Depressed in myself. About how I looked, how I was always quiet, never talking to anybody in school. I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome in middle school. From that time I was always downing myself, listening to things that only brought me more depression. I was listening to depressing music, depressing outlooks on life. I had still claimed the faith back then, but none of my actions showed it, neither did how I feel. Then later on, I started doing some very disappointing and just very bad things that I knew from the very start that I shouldn't have been doing in the first place. I felt, and still do feel, a lot of shame about my past. I was watching pornography and becoming overcome by teenage lusts. I was growing in anger from the music I was listening to, growing in anger from not having any friends, and from feeling empty. I also started to become very angry with God, because of my condition, putting all of the stress and frustration. I became a very bitter, vile, vain, and angry towards God. An enemy of God. I would shout at God in my head. Blaspheme his name, his Son, and the angels and everything else. I would even write blasphemous things and sayings against the Lord. I almost even fell into occultism. I was at a place of doom and gloom, and ungodliness. I would try to take care of my physical self, but would ultimately rot within my inner self. I was in my own mind: "unsavable". I wanted to die, but couldn't bring myself to it(thank God). I had almost went through with it a couple times, but it was either, "what about my family?", or even more so: "what if I go to hell?!". And so the fear of hell stopped me from committing suicide, but it didn't stop me from sinning a great deal. I even had a few times watched a video of a man committing suicide, and even watched videos of cartel murderings and Isis executions. And I felt little to no grief. I had a fear of hell, but no fear of God. I was so lost.

Then something suddenly happened to me one night.

Now that I'm saved, the doom and gloom has no room in my life. Glory be to God alone!

The night before my salvation, I was sitting on my bed, playing on my guitar(it was a hobby of mine), when I felt a very dark and malicious prescence around me. I felt like I was going to die if I didn't make a choice about my eternity right at that moment. I began to cry and call towards Jesus, saying that I believed, and that I accepted him as my Lord and my Savior. But I then started to receive negative voices in my head saying things like I can't be saved, or no, or that it was too late for me. I even thought I heard weeping coming from somewhere. So I then went to sleep with that attitude. The next morning I woke up, feeling the same as before: unsavable and dirty. I had sinned again that morning, and I felt convicted immediately. I then went out to eat Thanksgiving dinner with my family and could feel the intense guilt and shame in me. I had to stop eating and leave to my room where I laid on my bed in the dark and wept, and cried out to Jesus. Begging him to forgive me from my sins and that I accepted him as my Lord and Savior. And I felt a loving prescence come over me and a voice say to me "Come as you are". And began to feel joy and fear in me. I cried by my bedside repenting. From lust and adultery. From blasphemy. From prideful vanity. And from doing others wrong. And God took all of it away. All of the pornography addiction, cigarette use, influence from demons, all of the evil that was inside me. I rested that night and was pressed in my heart to confess my sins to my father, I was scared but I did it. And he loved to hear what I had to tell him. And I felt relieved. And even though I know temptations are always going to arise, and moments of despair are going to come. I know that I heard His voice that day, and I truly do feel different. I no longer do any of those sinful acts I used to do. I am changed, and I am saved! Praise Jesus Christ! Hallelujah! And to everyone reading this, it doesn't matter what you've done or said, if you call on His name and repent, accepting Him as your Lord and Savior, He will answer you and He will come into you and take away all of your inescapable sins. All of your addictions. He will help you with all of the temptations. He loves you! He really does! Call out to Him today! There is life with meaning. There is hope! There is love!

I have had times often where I had felt like I was unworthy, but I then come to realise that its the enemy. He wouldn't have called me to Him if He didn't love me. And even though sometimes its hard for me to discern certain voices in my head, I know He won't give me over. Theres not a single moment in my days now when I doubt his existence, power or glory. He is worthy of glory and praise! I am still a babe, and am growing with Christ, thete are still temptations, but theres no way I'm going back! Praise God!