From Death to Life

Before I received eternal life I wanted to end my life.

Jesus Christ. He is the center of my life. The air that I breathe. He is the rock on which I stand, the foundation where my feet rest. The Giver of Life who gives wisdom to those who seek Him. He is a sure comfort in times of need. He is my Lord and Savior, my King to whom I am a bondservant. His Word feeds my soul, and his mercies comfort me. His grace gives me hope in times of trouble. His Spirit guides my direction in times of confusion and insecurity. His Father has called me according to His purpose and in His hands, I am found secure. No one can remove me from His hand for He is victorious, therefore I will always look to the cross and find the hope I once needed most when I was alone and lost. This truly is the condition of my final end and should these be the last words I ever speak I would gladly commit to their truth. And since I still have air in my lungs, allow me to continue. It appears hope is in high demand in our world, and I desire to bring hope in the form of the gospel through Christ’s testimony in my life. I didn’t always breathe the air of Christ. By contrast, the air of this world is thick, hard to take down, and in every case I suffocated. I found myself struggling to find any bubble of hope to press the lips of my soul against and breathe. I discovered that every breath was filling me with a dark cloud of smoke. To make matters worse, this smoke, was easy to pursue in a world of enablement which offered me every excuse to take it in instead of the air of Christ. The excuses were many. I came from a broken home where my father was absent and my mother suffered from severe mental illness; paranoid schizophrenia. Nervous breakdowns would place me in foster care systems, and situations where I would have to fight for my life. Physical, emotional, mental, and sexual trauma ruled my mind and heart, a condition that would push me to seek acceptance and love wherever I could find it. So where does a child turn in such grievous times? I turned to the streets of Chicago where I was introduced to all sorts of evils. Evils that placed me on a trajectory directed by an immoral and debased mind. I was opposed to the things of God. A God which I knew existed but refused to submit to. My Grandmother tried her best on Sunday mornings at the local Catholic Church where I would be confirmed at the age of 13. This would be the last interaction with faith of any kind for 21 years. There are consequences for sin, and I felt those consequences in my education. Despite the paths I took early in life I desired to maintain a high academic performance. I was quite intellectual as a child. One result of lacking support in the home is lacking support to pursue a good education. My mother was unable to attend an orientation program at a higher-level school which forced me to attend studies at our local High School. The student body at this school consisted of five rival street gangs coming from similar situations as myself. Instead of warm greeting sin the morning we were greeted with metal detectors and being searched for weapons and/or drugs. This created an environment that forced me to prioritize personal safety over education. I would eventually succumb to this environment and find my academics woefully lacking. During my senior year I dropped out of school and joined the Army. I figured, if I can get away from my situation in Chicago I could change the course of life. While the path certainly changed, the troubles became greater. A military career in the Infantry, in 2001, guaranteed combat exposure. Over the course of a 13-year career I deployed twice to Iraq with the conventional Infantry, and once to Afghanistan with the Army Special Forces. I was a leader of troops, excellent at my military skills, and returned home each time without losing any soldiers at the hands of our enemy. I was highly decorated and would graduate several leadership schools, and professional development courses with honorable mentions. I was consistently evaluated as “among the best” on annual Non-Commissioned Officer Evaluation Reports. I graduated from the Army Drill Sergeant School in the top 10 percentile and was awarded Instructor of the Cycle as a trainer/teacher. I was truly one of the best, a reputation I took great pride in when I wore my uniform. I lived a very different life when the uniform came off. After my first combat deployment I began suffering from depression, anxiety, and a diagnosis of moderate agoraphobia (fear of public places). Despite this I continued doing what I loved, training and deploying. I would hide these issues through the consumption of substances that would make the pain more manageable. Unfortunately, this approach to pain took its toll. After my third combat deployment I broke down and began considering suicide as an option. After long discussions with my wife, who was also in the Army, we decided that my exiting the service was best. After a 13-year successful career I began to search for healing. I began a Psychology Degree at Saint Martin’s University, attended regular appointments with psychologists, and even joined a fraternity known as the Freemasons. I was desperate to heal. I was desperate to find meaning and purpose. At this point, when I thought I was making the most progress in life, I was actually breathing the thickest air of the world one could find. The air so thick that I would soon find myself with a finger on the trigger.

In that moment, in all my disbelief and lack of understanding, the Lord put a heart of flesh within me as well as a new spirit.

I was given faith to believe, faith to repent, and faith to seek all that I needed in Christ alone. On that Christmas Eve night I slept deeper than I had in decades. My life was forever changed.

In the first 2 years of regeneration, I was asked to Facilitate several Bible study programs at our local church, teach the youth, preach and teach in the local prison systems, and help run the Idaho Falls Rescue Mission. With my job at the Rescue Mission, I was invited to preach at several churches in the community including Spanish-speaking churches. The Lord placed me on a fast track for education, and service to Him. We would later relocate to Colorado Springs, CO where the Lord would call me to become a Deacon during my 4th year in the faith, and an Elder/Pastor during the 5th year. Vocationally the Lord has trained and instructed me through relationships with Jim Daly from Focus on the Family, John Stonestreet from the Colson Center for a Christian Worldview, as well as projects involving Al Mohler and his team, Ray Vander Laan, and many others. This ultimately led me to a teaching position as the Middle School Bible Teacher at the Colorado Springs Christian Schools.

I have the luxury of raising five children, pastoring a church, and teaching the next generation of followers of Christ. These are blessings in my life and calls that I work diligently to steward well. Yet, I echo what Paul says, that, whatever gain I have I count as loss for the sake of Christ because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I find myself in this place of hope having once breathed the thick suffocating air of sin. Now, after breathing the life-giving air of Christ crucified, I have nowhere else to go but Christ -- for in Him the words of eternal life are found.