From Addicted to Redeemed

In my case, eternal life and a relationship with Jesus not only gave me freedom from my past, but it also gave me purpose going forward: to proclaim all that the Lord has done in my life to those still suffering in addiction. Because of Jesus and his sacrifice on the cross, I can be assured of my salvation and my eternal destiny.

This is my testimony - which, by definition, means to tell the story of how one came to Christ. I grew up in Taylor, TX, and attended church since I was a baby. My parents ensured that I was raised in the church and that I was familiar with God. I didn’t know it at the time, but this would become instrumental in my finding my way to Jesus. They laid that foundation for me. The Bible says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) For me, that would prove to be true. I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was 9 years old, in Sunday school. I thought I knew what it meant, and part of me did comprehend some things, but I didn’t really know what being a believer was all about, and wouldn’t for a long time. The older I got, the more rebellious I became. Not only in the way I lived, but also in the way I treated my parents and others who were close to me. When I was 16, I ended up getting pregnant, which is a consequence that I couldn’t just pretend didn’t happen and sweep it under the rug. This behavior led to severe depression, which led to self-medicating with drugs and alcohol; it led to a multitude of destructive behaviors. Looking back, I do believe that God sent my son to me as an instrument to reveal that life was (in fact) precious, and I because I loved him so much, I turned away from my own selfish desires to focus on nurturing and loving him. Although my focus was on my new son, the depression still produced thoughts of suicide, but I couldn’t leave my baby without a mother. God knew what he was doing. Even in my struggle, I remembered the scripture Romans 8:28 which says, “And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Somewhere along the way, I lost my ability to cope with life on life’s terms. So, I began using and drinking as my coping mechanism. During my drinking and drugging career, I became the kind of person that I didn’t want to be. I remember one time when I was drinking, I got so drunk that I rolled down a hill, threw up in a taxi – which cost me $100 – tripped on concrete stairs and hit my face so hard that I had a black eye for about 3 weeks...and I don’t remember any of it. I was in a blackout. That didn’t stop me. I continued drinking heavily. That’s how firm the grip of alcoholism had on me. I also remember a time when I was drugging, that I went out of town with some friends and right before I left, my pills got stolen. I had put a stash away so that I had enough to last me the whole weekend. I had to spend the entire trip withdrawing and I was so sick, I could not participate in anything that my friends were doing. So, one of the girls there mentioned that she had some pain pills and I offered to pay her for some. She told my friend, we got into a massive argument, and I spent the entire night in tears. I couldn’t wait to get home so I could get my fix. The experience traumatized me. I have many, many stories like the ones I just shared. It became a way of life for me. I also lost a lot of friends along the way. I wore them out. They couldn't keep taking responsibility for me while I was consumed by a selfish, relentless need to shut down my emotions. There were many times I probably should have ended up in jail or dead, but God had other plans for my life. After approximately 10 years of trying multiple substances and getting addicted to them all, switching back and forth between drugs and alcohol for years, 30 days in rehab, and 1 relapse, I got to the point where I was ready to give up the pursuit of trying to do this thing on my own and turned to Jesus, the only one who can enact lasting change and freedom from addiction. My journey to this point was definitely not an overnight process, however, I had finally hit my rock bottom and decided that enough was enough. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. My husband was instrumental in helping bring me to my knees before the cross. He threatened to leave me and he had every right to do so. I was not the girl he married. I know that God used him to get through to me because nothing else was working. I got sober 1 year before he got home from the Army. He was stationed in Germany for 3 years. We were both completely different people by the time he got home, but I think I needed that time without him to get myself together. We were strangers when he came home, but through hard work, the decision to choose each other daily, and loving each other through the hardest parts, we fell in love all over again. We had to get to know each other again, and it was very difficult, but it’s a part of our story that I wouldn’t change. It made us the couple we are today. The thing about taking what this world has to offer to cope with life is that it’s only temporarily satisfying. The feel-good feeling always passed, and not only did it leave me wanting more, but it also left me with suffocating feelings of guilt and shame. On November 16, 2011, I hit my knees and pleaded with God to completely remove the desire for drugs and alcohol. I needed Jesus, NOT the things of this world. It was in that moment that I let go of trying to control the direction of my life and began trusting Jesus, so He could lead and guide me to the right path, because I was running down a road of eventual total self-destruction. The Bible says, “Don’t love this evil world or the things in it. If you love the world, you do not have the love of the father in you.” (1 John 2:15) After I hit my knees and literally cried out to God, my tears immediately stopped and a peace like nothing I had ever felt before washed over me and covered me like a warm blanket. To this day, I remain sober, ONLY by the grace of God. I know that he can use the experiences that I’ve been through to help others. He gave me the spiritual gift of Mercy and I intend to utilize that gift to the best of my ability – to help others who are suffering, just like I suffered. When I accepted Christ as a young girl, I didn’t really understand much about what that meant, but today I do. God gave me a new desire for Him instead of what the world has to offer. Jesus made a way where there seemed to be no way, and He continues to do so. I have a passion in my heart for the things of Christ. I yearn to learn and grow in my knowledge of the truth of the Word of God. I long to build lasting relationships with like-minded believers, as I have since faithfully attending my home church - Foundation Christian Ministries in Bastrop, TX. I have met so many brothers and sisters in Christ who not only counsel me but encourage and pray for me in my time of need. It’s almost like the Lord “activated” my heart to want to go deeper in relationship with Him. That’s the only way I know how to describe the change I felt. Now, I want to read God’s word, I want to attend church and be involved in discipleship, I want to serve! I don’t have to, I desire to. The old me is gone and the new me rejoices for what Christ has done in my heart and in my life. He has given me everything I need for life and godliness! He brought me out of darkness, out of the pit of my own personal hell – into a new freedom I’ve never known. As a Christian, is my performance perfect? Absolutely not! But, the righteousness of Christ now lives in me! Hebrews 10:10 says, “And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.” My new desire is to submit to Christ daily and trust Him fully in all things. I used to struggle with my identity, but now I know that my identity is IN Christ. I am loved by the creator of the universe! The Bible says that I’m a member of Christ’s body (1 Cor. 12:27), I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child (Eph. 1:3-8), I have been redeemed and forgiven of all of my sins (past, present and future) (Col. 1:13-14), I am complete in Christ! (Col. 2:9-10) Complete. That word holds a lot of meaning to me. When I was in the world, I was trying to fill a void that only Jesus can fill. Now, I’m complete. I’m whole. There is a God-shaped void in each of us, and Jesus is the only one who can fill it. The world offers many things, but none of them are adequate. Christ is sufficient. He is enough. I used to be lost in the identity I got from what the world had to say about me, but in Christ, I am a NEW creation (2 Cor. 5:17)!! If you want what I have, it’s as simple as believing in the one who can change your heart and your life; Jesus!! He came so that we might have freedom from this world and from the ensnaring traps of the enemy. The Bible plainly says that we are saved by grace alone through faith alone (Eph. 2:8-9). It’s not through our own efforts that we are saved. It’s through the finished work on the cross – it’s a free gift that we are given, received by faith. Salvation is obtained by simply believing in Jesus (who lived a perfect life, sacrificed himself in our place on the cross, and resurrected on the 3rd day, defeating death), along with repentance from sin, (which is having a sincere change of heart, mind, and action; turning away from wrongdoing to follow Christ) resulting in a guaranteed permanent place in His presence. You can KNOW that you are saved!! It says in Romans 8:38-39, “I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Thank the Lord that we can be completely forgiven of all sin and can be made whole in Christ!! What a gift!! Ezekiel 36:26 says, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” As for me, I know that Jesus is alive and living through me, so I might be able to display the fruits of the spirit that He has given me: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (Gal. 5:22-23) He has a plan and a purpose for my life. As stated in the Bible, Jer. 29:11 says, “I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” I used to believe that I had no purpose, but I now know that it was a lie from the enemy. I have freedom in Christ – freedom from the grip of addiction and freedom from the grip of the world. I am forgiven for my past, and therefore do not need to dwell on who I used to be because that’s not who I am today. Today, I am a child of God! I am a wife, a mother, a Nana, and my heart is filled with gratitude and thanksgiving for the chains that have been broken in my life. Looking back, I can see where God protected me from harm. He used my husband to get to the heart of the matter with me and to bring me to my knees. I didn’t want to lose my family, my husband, my children. I thank God for restoring my marriage and continuing to work in me to make me a better wife and mother. The Lord is my strength and salvation! He is my protector, provider, and healer! All glory to the most-high God, my King and redeemer of my soul! I praise the Lord for all He has done in my life, and I look forward to all that He has in store for me. My hope is to live in such a way that my life reflects the character of Jesus and points others to Him.....A poem that I wrote. Abiding in Him. To abide simply means “to live or to dwell”/Addiction led me to a certain kind of hell Addiction is like trying to breathe/with a rope around your neck It’s like seeing that yellow line/but you’re unable to avoid the wreck. It takes away all the ones you love/and all that you adore And turns you into someone/you utterly abhor. It obliterates your dreams/and all your sense of hope And replaces it with endless thoughts/of nothing more than dope. The color of my eyes/turned from blue to black as night I tried to look down the tunnel of life/but at the end, I saw no light. When I finally hit rock bottom/where there was no way to look but towards the sky That’s when the light began to shine/and I desired to want to try. The light, I realized, was Jesus himself/here to make me brand new I was able to walk out of that haze/even after all I had been through. Addiction, it’s true, took a part of me/and integrated itself inside But Jesus freed me from those chains/and now in Him, I abide!!

Once I surrendered my life and my will to Jesus, I found a new confidence that I never had before. Confidence in him and what he did for me on the cross, which sealed my eternity. I had to repent of my past and relinquish attempts to control my own life. Because of that, I know that I know that I am loved, forgiven, adopted into God's family, chosen, blessed, and have received eternal life through him and his finished work on the cross!