Freedom

Before I came to Christ I was a young girl who was filled with anxiety, anger, grief, depression, and fear.

At around 5 to 10 years old I started to drift away from what my mom and aunt taught me about God. I believed he was real but I just felt like he didn't love me. I felt like I was just an accident. I felt that my life was going horribly wrong at home and at school. I was always depressed and very short tempered. Every day was a nightmare and I just wanted to die. I didn't understand why God created me. I thought maybe he felt sorry for me. I always turned my attention away from God, rolling my eyes everytime someone said, "Pray to God." "God will help." I would think, "If God loved me he would make this suffering go away." When I was 11 years old, there was a day I was laying on my mom's lap watching the news when all of the sudden, it happened. "You hate God." A thought came into my head saying that I hated God. I felt confused because I didn't create that thought myself. Suddenly these thoughts became violent and started to curse at me and at God. I was scared I didn't know what was happening, it wasn't me creating these thoughts. I started to have nightmares of evil creatures wanting to eat me alive, "let's make a deal!" they would say. These thoughts made me feel insecure outside my house, "you'll get killed!" The thoughts would say. Soon after, I developed habits. I would check the doors, stove, and windows more than 4 times. I would touch certain objects a certain number of times until I felt satisfied. I had what I called 'safety words' that would make me feel better after I said them. I was having interrupting thoughts and counseling and doctor visits didn't help. So I said, "If doctors and counselors don't work then God must work, he can help me." I took the Bible and started to read it every night. I experienced these thoughts for many years but something kept telling me not to give up on God. Finally, I was now 19 years old and I went to another doctor after many years. She said I had OCD. It all made sense now. The following Sunday I went to church and asked the pastor to pray for me, I didn't say I had OCD but that I was just depressed and needed help from the Lord. He prayed for me and after I stepped out from church, I felt something I never felt before. Silence. My mind was quiet and I could now think of something like ice cream without getting an interrupting thought. This new feeling of peace felt so weird that I felt scared, I didn't know if it was a good or bad feeling. That day I sat down and said "Thank you, God! Thank you for giving me peace! But most of all thank you for allowing me to go through that OCD obstacle! You used Satan's weapon for my benefit! Because of this obstacle, I was able to learn patience, love, forgiveness, and acceptance. I was able to lean on you and accept you as my Lord and Savior, I was able to call on you and say Father Abba! I need your help! I was able to learn that I would never be perfect, or sinless. Your grace is enough for me and you knew this would happen to me, you were always going to be there to help me through everything. Through this experience, I was able to love those who hated me. I was able to learn that no matter how hard life gets, never give up on the Lord who gives you strength to endure. You took the position of my father when my biological father was absent and taught me what no other father could. Thank you God for allowing those obstacles, I know you didn't want me to suffer but you wanted me to come to you. You wanted me to know you. Thank you."

My life will never be the same, Jesus truly loves and wants me.

Now that I have eternal life, I will never feel alone.

God's peace is with me, and it guides me through all hardships.

There is eternal life, I know that when I close my eyes I will be face to face with the father that never left me. With the one true God, the one who sacrificed himself so I could live.