Finding Peace in the Present

Before I received eternal life, I felt lost. Hopeless. Always afraid. My life was filled to the rim with anxiety. Disappointment within myself was overflowing and this constant hustle for perfection I had stuck like super glue in the back of my mind ate away at me, and my way of living, for years.

I remember on one overly hot summer day, a good friend of mine told me about an inspirational author that she had discovered, Shauna Niequist. At the time, I didn't think too much of it other than feeling excited that she had found more books to read. During that summer, my dad lost his job. My sister's group of friends was going downhill. My friends turned their backs on me, one by one. My relationship with my mom had crumbled all because I put a selfish boy I was dating before her (your mom is always right about a boy you bring home...don't even try to fight it). I resorted to anger and frustration and self-pity. Why would God throw all of this at me at once? The season following this downright awful summer, I began experiencing panic attacks, major mood swings, and a constant pit in my stomach that I could never seem to shake. It wasn't the good kind, like excitement to go on vacation or butterflies before trying a new adventure. It made me sick, emotionally and physically. Something wasn't right. It was like I lost my balance in life. That November, I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder, along with depression. How could I, the happy-go-lucky girl that was always smiling and enjoying life, end up here? I went through months of free therapy through my university. I packed my schedule full so I wouldn't even have time to worry about the problems I had swept under the rug. This only backfired on me. I stuck with counseling for about another year until I felt like I could manage life on my own. My anxiety was on and off, and then this past semester it flared up on me out of nowhere. I was having multiple panic attacks a day, cancelling plans with friends and scheduling off of work because I just could not handle life any longer. I felt like a ticking time bomb. I tried to go back to my old counselor, only to find that with student teaching, work, and classes, I couldn't fit in an appointment. In the midst of all of this, my mom lost her job. Both parents were now unemployed. I knew I needed professional help to deal with, well, life, but how was I supposed to get it without the help of my university, no health insurance, and a bank account in the single digits? I began to pray. That's all I could do at this point. Something bigger was working through me and I was fighting to find what that was. A random friend would invite me to church. An old roommate would send me a spontaneous text of encouragement right when I needed it, not knowing my situation. Then one day, I remember laying in my bed and staring at the ceiling. The tears started flooding down my warm, wet cheeks and I cried aloud, "Why, God?" Only a few moments later, I received a text message from my mom. She vaguely knew I was struggling, but she sent me the contact information of the youth pastor at this church that I had been going to. She suggested asking her if the church knew of any counseling centers in the area that would fit my price range. Before I felt like I could even blink, I had an appointment at the Christian-based counseling center down the street from the church. Oh, and I forgot to mention that the church would be funding the first few months of sessions for me. This long, draining journey of pain and anxiety led me to this glorious moment of relief and a newfound trust in God. There was no possible way I could've made this all fall into place on my own, or without faith. The day I stepped foot into my new therapist's office, I felt at home in a weird but amazing way. I felt genuinely cared about, and like I could fully be myself. She felt like a friend I could tell everything to, rather than a professional whose advice may or may not be taken by my stubborn self. I've been seeing her for a few months now, and I feel renewed, not only in myself, but in my faith. Receiving guidance from someone who is able and willing to incorporate God into therapy was absolutely incredible. I had also been diagnosed with OCD, which made so much sense. I had always caught myself hustling for perfection instead of allowing myself to live in the moment. The craziest part- she brought up an author a friend had told her about that I may enjoy. Shauna Niequist. I knew I had heard that name before, but I couldn't pinpoint where. A few weeks later, the lightbulb turned on. I contacted my friend who had first mentioned her name to me years ago. We talked about her books and within hours, I ordered some to read. The one that I just got a few weeks ago...it's called "Present Over Perfect". God has literally open my eyes to a book that is more relatable to my life than anything else. The subtitle: "Leaving behind frantic for a simpler, more soulful way of living". I feel like God is speaking to me through each individual word on each page. I take my time in each chapter, and will reread pieces that I highlight or take notes on an insane amount. It took me this long to find myself and the heightened perspective on life that I've been looking for, but when I turn around and reflect on the pain of the past, I realized that God never left my side. Not even once. He brought me to where I am today, enjoying the stillness and peace of His presence while typing and enjoying a cup of butter toffee coffee on my new front porch. Because of this journey, especially this one book, my faith is stronger than it's ever been. I have freedom from the past. I no longer feel tied to what I kept trying to leave behind. Even though anxiety and OCD may never go away, God has guided me to use Him and His word through each bump in the road.

I began to pray. That's all I could do at this point. Something bigger was working through me and I was fighting to find what that was. A random friend would invite me to church. An old roommate would send me a spontaneous text of encouragement right when I needed it, not knowing my situation. Then one day, I remember laying in my bed and staring at the ceiling. The tears started flooding down my warm, wet cheeks and I cried aloud, "Why, God?" Only a few moments later, I received a text message from my mom. She vaguely knew I was struggling, but she sent me the contact information of the youth pastor at this church that I had been going to. She suggested asking her if the church knew of any counseling centers in the area that would fit my price range. Before I felt like I could even blink, I had an appointment at the Christian-based counseling center down the street from the church. Oh, and I forgot to mention that the church would be funding the first few months of sessions for me. This long, draining journey of pain and anxiety led me to this glorious moment of relief and a newfound trust in God. There was no possible way I could've made this all fall into place on my own, or without faith. The day I stepped foot into my new therapist's office, I felt at home in a weird but amazing way. I felt genuinely cared about, and like I could fully be myself. She felt like a friend I could tell everything to, rather than a professional whose advice may or may not be taken by my stubborn self. I've been seeing her for a few months now, and I feel renewed, not only in myself, but in my faith. Receiving guidance from someone who is able and willing to incorporate God into therapy was absolutely incredible. I had also been diagnosed with OCD, which made so much sense. I had always caught myself hustling for perfection instead of allowing myself to live in the moment. The craziest part- my therapist brought up an author a friend had told her about that I may enjoy. Shauna Niequist. I knew I had heard that name before, but I couldn't pinpoint where. A few weeks later, the lightbulb turned on. I contacted my friend who had first mentioned her name to me years ago. We talked about her books and within hours, I ordered some to read. The one that I just got a few weeks ago...it's called "Present Over Perfect". God has literally opened my eyes to a book that is more relatable to my life than anything else. The subtitle: "Leaving behind frantic for a simpler, more soulful way of living". I feel like God is speaking to me through each individual word on each page. I take my time in each chapter, and will reread pieces that I highlight or take notes on an insane amount. It took me this long to find myself and the heightened perspective on life that I've been looking for, but when I turn around and reflect on the pain of the past, I realized that God never left my side. Not even once. He brought me to where I am today, enjoying the stillness and peace of His presence while typing and enjoying a cup of butter toffee coffee on my new front porch. Because of this journey, especially this one book, my faith is stronger than it's ever been. I have freedom from the past. I no longer feel tied to what I kept trying to leave behind. Even though anxiety and OCD may never go away, God has guided me to use Him and His word through each bump in the road.

Now that I have eternal life, I am constantly reminded to trust in God through any pain or anxiety that life throws my way.

Through years of battling anxiety, panic disorder, and OCD, I found a renewed, passionate trust in God.

Through the growth in my faith, and focusing on finding God's blessings, big or small, in the present, I know that He is with me through every high and every low.