Finding Grace

I would wake up in the morning every single day and automatically feel regret, disappointment, shame, and loneliness. Everything that once made sense to me, I could no longer comprehend. It was all too much.

As I grew to be a teenager, I always went to church and had always accepted Jesus Christ in my heart, but I never took it too seriously because I didn't have quite the idea of everything. But everything changed for me after I hit 16. My sophomore year of high school my brother was tragically murdered. I went into a deep depression and did things that weren't exactly the best to cope with the pain. A few months after my brother passed, my dad was caught having an affair and decided to leave us (my mom, sister, and I) which then led to my parents getting divorced. Once my dad walked out on us, he started to hangout with the wrong crowd and eventually got himself in trouble with the law, leading him to 12 years in prison. I lived in a small town, so the news of everything broke out and was everywhere. I was embarassed. Everything seemed to keep getting worse for me. But little did I know that my complete image of myself would be shattered whenever I made one of the worst mistakes of my life. Not long after everything happened, I graduated high school and was attending college. But in the beginning of the semester, I unexpectedly got pregnant. I was beyond scared and terrified and I let those exact emotions take control over me, which led me to having an abortion. I had no idea the kind of impact it would have on my life, but it completely changed everything. After everything happened, I fell into a depression and was contemplating suicide almost every single day. I felt that I was unworthy of anything and that I would go to hell and suffer because of my choice. I asked God for forgiveness and repented, but I somehow couldn't manage to forgive myself, which led me to the horrible thoughts about myself.

Then I realized that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and because of that, I was free and forgiven no matter how it was I felt.

Now that I've accepted Jesus fully and completely understand what exactly the cross means, I'm able to feel peace and comfort with the thought that I will one day be reunited with my baby in Heaven.

Nowadays, I feel complete peace about the situation as a whole because I know Jesus died for my sins, but I still struggle with the thought of what others would think about me if they found out. But after long and deep thinking, I'm now understanding that I don't need anyones validation or approval. The only One who's opinion matters the most to me is Jesus Christ, and He and I now have a great relationship.

On days where I feel less than, I know that I am worthy because of Jesus and God's love for me, and that will always be enough.