Constant Presence, Comfort, Calling

God is everything to me. He is the substance and meaning in my life. He guides me and teaches me how to live.

I don't remember when I was saved. I have been lucky enough to grow up in a Christian home, and even luckier to have listened to Christ's call on my life. I don't know all of the plans He has for my life, but I know that He desires my all. My call to ministry was not a one-time event. God has been calling me throughout my life. One of the first instances I remember was when I was about 9 or 10, I was having the same nightmare every night. I would dream I was running away from a man chasing me through a warehouse. By the end, he would catch me and question my faith at gunpoint. For the first month or so that this nightmare occurred, I denied Jesus. I would look the man in the eyes and tell him I didn't love my Lord. He would let me live and I would sit there and think about what I had done. I would wake up from the dream in panic and fear every time. I knew that if I denied Jesus, He would deny me, but I was terrified of dying. I would pray to Jesus, apologize, and beg for the dreams to stop. I would read Psalms 27 over and over again, hoping for some peace of mind. One night, I was reading after my nightmare and the first verse of Psalm 27 became a point of clarity for me. "The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?" The Lord whispered to my heart, "I will protect you. Don't deny me". So, when I went to sleep the next night, the man from my nightmare found me and I timidly told him that I knew Jesus. He shot me and it hurt. I woke up in terror and I questioned the Lord in prayer. I didn't understand why He didn't save me. He guided me to read Psalms 27 again and not to deny Him. So, I began saying proclaiming Him in my nightmare every night, and the fear began to leave. The bullets didn't hold the weight or pain that they did the first time. I woke up and had fellowship with God every night. He taught me that even when earthly things could harm me and scare me, nothing made me as fearful as being apart from Him. Death couldn't harm me. I realized that all I wanted in life was Him. He was worth losing everything else. It seems wrong to focus on that one moment in time because I had a reoccurring nightmare from age 8 up until a few nights before camp. When I had the dream, I would be in a warehouse running from a man who would eventually turn the corner and catch me. He would point a gun to my head and ask me about my faith. To begin with, I would deny Jesus, but the dream would end with the premonition of repetition. When I said yes to the man, I was shot and the dream ended, leaving me awake and terrified. However, when I started looking the man in the eyes and proclaiming Jesus as my Lord, he would shoot me, and I would wake up fearless. I learned that I wanted to do dangerous things for God no matter what they were, because death couldn’t harm me.

There is a lot of scripture that conveys what salvation is and how to have it. Although all scripture is true and the tangible reasoning behind my faith, I know that I will get to be with God forever because that's how we live right now. I don't need words to tell me that I will go to heaven. I get to talk to my creator about it every day. I look forward to being in heaven with God, but I also look forward to spending every day with Him. We walk and talk together, and He has made it clear that He never wants that to change. We have an unbreakable relationship. I have come to understand that even in my unfaithfulness, He is faithful. My sins and mistakes don't keep me away from Him. The sacrifice of His son covers all of my past, present, and future sins. I can never repay it, and I get to be with Him forever. His love is one that I will never want to leave. I am confident I never will.