A Not-So-Small Story of God's Persistent Grace

Eternal life intrudes my daily life by giving me the capacity to love those around me in such a way that the focus is entirely on their good and well-being, especially on the days I lack the patience to "make myself" love the folks around me.

Considering that the basis for my love for others is grounded in the unfathomable love God has shown to me, one story from my freshman year of college sticks out to me in particular. Coming into college, I was leaving a youth group where I had been "all-in" for Christ - in addition to my private devotional life I was basically a one-man A/V team for both the youth group and eventually one of our services, while serving as a small group leader for the younger students. I had received all of the warnings about how different college would be, and how important it was to get involved in church. My first semester, I chose not to heed those warnings, instead opting to relax my devotional habits and neglect church attendance and community. Now, I understood the importance of having a friend group, so I naturally became part of a group of freshman music majors who were not practicing Christians or Christians at all. I've tasted community before, with deep conversations concerning personal things that actually matter to me, which this friend group did not delve into. Over time, I noticed how separate I was from the group. They would occasionally have hang-outs, some of which they invited me to, some which they did not. However, my roommate had been invited to said hang-outs, and our group would reference these hang-outs when we met. I took these as malicious attempts to exclude me, even though I knew fully well that they excluded me from those hang-outs because they would be drinking at them. Whether big or small, from this group or others, I would take these affronts to my person, driving me back and back to a habit I had developed during the "glory days" of high school: gay pornography. Capitalizing on a "Scriptural loophole" to justify the habit, I delved into gay pornography off and on throughout high school more for the sake of pleasure than anything else. Mind you, I was wary of my parents finding out my habit, so I took only the free morsels from the internet that I could find and used my mind to make up the rest. My relationship with Christ at the time was what kept me delving too far into it, but my inquisitive mind would search for "Biblical arguments" to justify the habit. I never took the issue to any one at church, because I was well-aware of the stigma attached to it. Needless to say, the whole situation drove me to deep places of isolation, worry, bleak mood swings, and even some suicidal fantasies. This continued into college, where it all eventually came to a head in the spring semester. I was in a particularly fuming place that spring semester, as a lack of social support and personal pressure to achieve as a student drove me deeper into my porn habit. One night, while exploring some of those dark corners of the internet, I had found a pair of guys in California looking for a third gay male to live with them and be part of their open relationship while observing some sort of pagan religion. I remember glorifying the idea in my mind, as it would certainly have allowed me an escape from the crappy situation I was in then. All it would have taken was a decision; I had plenty of money from my personal account for the plane tickets. Now, I can look back and say that I was, in a metaphorical sense, walking to the edge of a tall cliff, looking over the edge and over all the clouds, ready to jump into a sea of unknown places and possibly into a world of disgusting mess. In that moment, God gave me a moment of clarity, took me back to the relationship we had while I was in high school. While I was admittedly in the middle of the porn habit, there were still long stretches where I ran from it right toward Him. And even in the middle of it, there was a sense that I was doing my darnedest individual effort to pursue Him. He showed me that to declare to me that I, in college, was living a lie. I was not the person that wanted to up and go live with some guys. I was the person who loved the Lord, who wanted to serve the folks around him, who wanted to show folks appreciation and love even if it was culturally strange to do so. I was the person who wanted to lay down my life for my friends, because that's what Jesus did for me. So, in the cliff metaphor, when I was about to jump, the Lord caught me and walked me away from that cliff. The aftermath of that moment of clarity included a renewed fervor for community and legitimate friendships, which eventually led me to Houston's First Baptist Church and a group of folks who could support me as friends are made to do, along with the old insistence on service and loving the folks around me. To this day, that dangerous time stands as a testament of God's insistence on loving His people, especially when they are furthest from wanting anything to do with Him. While life does not come with years and years of roses, like the old hymn says, I've proved God over and over to be consistent in kindness and keeping His people close to Himself, no matter what circumstances come our way.

Eternal life, to me, is not some far off "goal" or "destination" to finally arrive at one day. While Jesus will certainly come back one day, and that will be FANTASTIC, eternal life is what Christ stated Himself: eternal life is to know the one true God and Jesus Christ who He sent. This (small) story is only one of numerous occasions of knowing God now, in the present, as Rescuer, Redeemer, Friend, and gracious King. I know, because of this story, that He's certified me a place with Him in the kingdom to come, only because He chose to send His Son to die for me and give me life in place of my deserved death (aka grace).