A new life after suicide

Before I knew what it was to be a follower of Jesus, I thought Christians who talked about having Jesus in their heart or becoming a Christian were deluded, a bit of a wearing "socks with sandals" type, with holier than thou attitude. It took a tragic event to wake me up and ask, is God real.

My brother and I were each other's best friends. My Dad was a controlling man, and we were afraid of doing anything to make him angry. My Mum was loving but lived to please my Dad, so Colin and I looked after each other. When Colin was 16 he became a Christian and I was curious about why. I went to the youth group he attended but the people were so passionate about their devotion to Jesus it freaked me out. I assumed they were fanatics and was scared off. At 17 years old my brother had a mental breakdown. He was so tortured in his mind that he acted on an impulsive thought and took an overdose. He realised it was a mistake and he phoned a friend to help him but he died in the ambulance on the way to hospital. I was 14 years old when he died. After he was cremated, I felt shock. I couldn't believe Colin was gone. It made me think about God and whether he did exist. I was listening to a record my brother owned, by Cliff Richard. There was a song called "when I survey the wonderous cross" and the words hit me hard. I asked "God, if you exist, get me to church without my parents thinking I have gone mad". Shortly after that a friend from school invited me to the youth group she went to. I heard about coming to a crossroads in our life, where we have to choose which way we go. I heard how Jesus took on himself all my sins and he explained what sin was, basically choosing to do whatever I wanted no matter what God said or anyone else said. I heard how Jesus made a way for me to know God as my Father. I went up for prayer to ask Jesus into my life and show me how to live as a Christian. That's why I am a follower of Christ because left to be my own decisions I would be hoping for the best but be like a blind person trying to find my way in the dark. It is a daily decision I make to let Jesus be my light, to avoid blindly stumbling in the darkness of trying to find my own way in this world.

The change has been gradual. From the time I asked Jesus into my life, I have been getting to know him through reading the Bible and letting that be my manual for how to live in this world. I go to a church where I get great teaching and where I have found a family who love me and also challenge me to change my attitudes and actions, to continue to change. I used to try to please my biological dad through fear of doing something wrong. I now have a heavenly Father who I live to please because I know I am loved, and when you love someone you want to please them. I please God by my trust and faith in him. Over time, little by little, I have been transformed as I trust God with my life. The rewards of inner peace and joy I experience cannot be described well enough unless you experience them and I only experience them because I know that Jesus loved me (us) enough to die an agonising death to save us from having to. He gave us a choice, follow him or go our own way. One road leads to eternal life in heaven (close to God) or eternal separation, hell (far from God with no way back). I chose life.

I know, without any doubt, that if I were to die tonight, I would be in heaven. Not because of me or me living a clean life, but because I Jesus took all my sin, he paid for it on the cross, so I could be in heaven. Jesus has written my name down in a book in heaven and when I arrive, I will be expected because I accepted his invitation.

I am never alone. Wherever I am, I know Jesus is with me. I quietly talk to him throughout the day, because he has become my best friend. I can tell him anything and ask him to help me. Again, it's an experience thing...I wouldn't want to ever be alone in this world, and couldn't imagine life without this relationship.

I know, without any fear, that I will go to heaven when I die, but my friendship with Jesus is my daily experience. The excitement is I will get to meet him face to face when I die. That makes me excited for my life now and for when my life ends here on earth. Win-win!