A Letter Home

Consumed by fear and abandonment. Perception of being punished.

I am charting a completely new course to embrace brokenness, see beauty in broken pieces and put pieces together the best I can. Piece by piece, as I discard the mental armor, I discover the real me. The armor hinders me from feeling loved and accepted. Without it, I am fully present in the moments of blessings and happiness that come into my life. Every day I choose to love myself even if I am unloved by others.

Through long, hard and painful processes in my life, I discovered I was never alone, that He never let me, He was always right there by my side. I then could see how much He loved me and all I wanted to do was spend time with Him.

No more chains or shackles, I was able to lay them down.

The me inside myself: My introduction to back-seat windows at age 5 was unpleasant. I cried and pressed against the window yelling for my sister as the police car began to move. Tears filled my eyes as my sister’s face quickly receded. Later, unfamiliar surroundings caused me to grow quiet. My emotions became an empty shell as they passed me around, shifted me and moved me from one place to another. I would not allow anyone in and became a very lonely child. Loneliness became my only friend, a refuge away from the abuse that I received in the foster-care system. Unwanted and unloved, another piece of me died each day. Today, I revisit that back-seat window with very different eyes. Some declare it a miracle that I beat the statistics. I just call it resilience with a touch of hope. I am now a mother with two beautiful children; a son, 14, and a daughter, 12. Raised in instability, I choose to parent my children differently. Unchained: Before I turned 16, I was introduced to many different cultures, religions and values. I survived by molding myself into what was expected and wanted of me. I attended multiple schools but never kept contact with a single friend. The wounds of abandonment became so immense that only two options remained: give into the pain or shove it far inside as I strove to prove to myself and others that I was worth loving. Psychologically, I wore a coat of mental armor so nothing could penetrate. Through my teens, I went down the first path until I realized it only created more anguish, pain and self-hatred. Not wanting to repeat my parent’s mistakes and patterns, I decided in my early 20s to take the second path. I found education helpful in my personal growth but stunting my emotional health. The Door of Tomorrow: As a middle-aged adult, I am charting a completely new course to embrace brokenness, see beauty in broken pieces and put pieces together the best I can. Piece by piece, as I discard the mental armor, I discover the real me. The armor hinders me from feeling loved and accepted. Without it, I am fully present in the moments of blessings and happiness that come into my life. Every day I choose to love myself even if I am unloved by others. I choose healthy choices, not just for myself but for my children as well. Those sad, scary and hurtful circumstances shaped me into the person I am today and continue to mold the person I will become. As a result, I long to see healthy families, strong values and resilient love produced in every life. Every child deserves to be loved. My deep desire for healthy families has sparked a desire to help others change perspective on how they see themselves and the world around them. Through higher education, I am pursuing licensure in marriage, family therapy and child counseling as well as professional clinical counseling. Through experience, I am developing new patterns. People ask me for advice, looking for answers or problem-solving tools. Many times I have offered advice, insight or simply served as a listening ear. I treasure these experiences and grow stronger in my desire to help others. Though my trial and errors have been many, I help others with their problems and led them to discover unknown truths. The study of one’s mind and heart intrigues me and provides healing and understanding. I am determined to complete that journey. Past experiences and people helped me become the person I am today. From each situation, I borrowed tidbits of information to add to my own personal belief systems and values. Today, I embrace the person I am. So many people seek to find the broken pieces of themselves to better understand their identity, purpose and worth. Most fail miserably because they pursue the process backwards or rush to the end. From my own insight, I know that every door walked through weaves a new tapestry that tells a story, a story that will either bring healing or remain untold.

Jesus promises me eternal life now, here on earth... I can fully believe this because I trust Him.